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CHAPTER 1 - PRE-SEASON THOUGHTS FROM THE CAPTAIN It’s early days and the rain is still beating down
but preparations for the new season are well underway.
The Club’s Annual General Meeting was held on 6th February as
team-mates gather in anticipation of the new season.
The meeting was its usual shambolic occasion.
As we gathered in the public bar of the Bog Inn it soon became obvious to
most that this was a most inappropriate venue as participants shouted across one
another to voice their opinions in an increasingly more drunken environment. A comparison with the House of Commons springs to mind as
team-mates split either side of the ‘bottom burning’ open fire to disagree
on such vital topics as who should be responsible for organising the tea rota,
the club’s finances and how can we improve our toilet facilities? The club’s toilet facilities were allegedly
reported to the league management committee last season for being the most
odious and disgusting in the league. It
was hard to disagree with this complaint and as a remedy a slightly ‘shop
soiled’ portaloo had been purchased and was ready for installation.
Volunteers were sought for a working party to bravely remove the existing
cesspit of a toilet and install the new facility.
Volunteers were not forthcoming. It
was noted that asbestos gloves could be required and that Greenpeace were on
standby. There is considerable muttering and groaning about
the club’s financial records. The
Treasurer’s verbal report amounts to little more than ‘well we have about
two hundred pounds in the kitty’. No
financial spreadsheet or audited
accounts here and members of the club reflect on the fact that perhaps financial
accountability is not what it should be. Funds seem light and the Treasurer is urged to search around
under his bed to see if any coins have fallen out of the shoe box.
Team-mates owing match fees from the previous season hang their heads in
shame. There is much concern as team-mates display a cowardly instinct
to try and oust the Treasurer via a secret ballot instead of the normal
show of hands. We favour a first past the post the system.
The tactic fails miserably as he is re-elected for a new term of office.
We all wonder whether the club could invest in some sellotape to mend the shoe
box. Alternatively we could of
course open a bank account but no what a silly idea. Despite the fact that the meeting lasted in excess of
three hours, very little was actually decided - so no change there.
Most of the club’s officials were reappointed for a new term of office.
I was returned unopposed as captain.
I suspect I was reappointed not because I was successful last year but
because nobody else wanted the job and we had at least won more games than we
lost in the second half of last season. I
suppose I should be honoured but I somehow felt I had been given the poisoned
chalice again. Mark was again voted vice-captain and second
selector. Mark can be a very able
cricketer and has a fine cricket brain, unfortunately he usually forgets to
bring it to the cricket field. He
occasionally brings enthusiasm but mostly he brings pain, anguish and despair as
we all suffer from his exertions and abuse of his body from the night before.
Never one to let his team-mates down, he will always turn up for a match,
although invariably looking like the living dead as he has had insufficient
sleep following an evening of debauched drinking and night-clubbing. Mark contributes little to decision-making although
he can always be relied on for chirpy, amusing comments in times of adversity.
This is not usually well appreciated as a glance at the scoreboard
reveals we are 34 for 8 chasing 240 to win.
Any difficult decisions to break to team-mates and Mark seems to have
vanished from the pavilion to listen to test match special in the car.
I guess this is the pain of captaincy. The idea of Mark accompanying me to inspect the
wicket before a match is difficult to imagine for three reasons.
Firstly Mark does not arrive at the ground until about two minutes before
(or indeed after) the game is scheduled to start, secondly he would need to be
steady enough on his feet to be able to walk from the pavilion to the wicket and
thirdly if he did manage to reach the wicket and bend down to put the car key in
the cracks, he would be a strong contender to throw up on a good length and
almost certainly give the opposition bowlers something to aim at (probably a
piece of carrot). Why is there
always carrot? Indeed this reminds
me of the incident at a game a few years before when on a damp, wet day the
groundsman was summoned to provide saw-dust for the bowlers footmarks and a
vastly inexperienced tea lady enquired whether a cricketer had been sick on the
pitch. Kevin was appointed third selector.
He lives locally and his help is essential not really in ‘selecting’
but in ensuring we have eleven bodies on the pitch each week.
His expertise in recruiting a last minute local from the Bog Inn deep
into injury time on a Friday night is now almost legendary.
The only change of note was the resignation of our
trusty match secretary ‘Roger’. He
also announced his retirement from the ‘playing game’. Many thought he had done that the previous season.
He felt that now was the time to take up serious umpiring in a local club
league. Anybody who had experienced
one of Roger’s famous LBW decisions feared this might be a bad move and before
the season was out he would end up impaled on a cricket stump by a disgruntled
batsman. We were reassured to
notice that Roger had acquired a pair of glasses during the winter, although it
did make him rather resemble a certain well-known publican from a north-western
soap opera. Roger is however a hero, a reliable clubman who has done
sterling work for the team. It was
our honour to vote him in as club president and secretly I hoped that come the
end of April and with only 10 men available for the first game he would once
again turn out for us and doze off in the field as if nothing had changed.
Our minds now turned to pre-season training.
This year was going to be different.
It had been decided we would overcome our usual early season
failings by starting net practice in January.
This was almost unprecedented in the history of Chip Goat. This move was not without controversy. A couple of Chip Goat stalwarts felt this practice was
unnecessary and there would not be sufficient interest to make the nets
worthwhile. This pessimism seemed
well founded as only 5 gallant troops turned out on Sunday 11th January to
practice. Interest has generated
further in the nets although I fear not to the extent required to ensure we are
not scratching around for a team at the end of April. This early interest in nets is a remarkable feat in
itself as usually pre-season training starts in April with a couple of aimless
indoor nets attended by about half a dozen die-hards. This is then followed by a practice game (where if we are
lucky enough to get eleven players on the field) the season has really started
(with a whimper). Interest in this
practice game tends to be minimal and excuses come thick and fast.
Common one’s include ‘it’s too cold’,
‘it’s not a league game so there’s no point’, ‘aah I’m going
to watch the football’ and ‘sorry I’m shooting pheasants’ - no that
excuse comes in August I think. Interest is usually thin on the ground and requires the
recruitment of one or two non-cricketing locals from the pub and probably a
local dog/cat/cow/sheep (depending on what’s available).
We have decided not to bother with the practice game this year. The club has for a long-time suffered from a shortage
of players and as captain this is fundamentally my problem.
The dreaded Friday night phone call as somebody has to withdraw from the
game to shampoo the dog or shoot pheasants again often means a dramatic rethink.
A quick check on my list suggests we are down to 8 players and with very
few options to call on. We are
desperate for new blood in the team and desperate times call for desperate
measures. We place adverts in all
the local papers and the Bog Inn, but we are not flooded with enquiries. Some members of the team and especially the chairman bemoan
the lack of interest from the village and the Bolsdale valley, but the interest
is just not there. The few locals that have come forward have generally
been hopeless and unreliable and usually fall at the first hurdle in that they
are unable to turn out in cricket whites. Call
me a cricketing snob if you like, but there is nothing more likely to create an
atmosphere of amusement and confidence in the opposition camp than the sight of
a team including ‘cricketers’ dressed in jeans, brown khaki trousers or hob
nailed boots. We should look the part even if we are a bunch of no-hopers once
we step on the field. We are therefore resigned to call on the services of
‘cricketers’ from all around the area, with many coming from an area up to
twenty miles away. I fear for the
coming season and wonder whether we will actually have eleven players for that
first game in April. As the start of the season draws ever nearer,
Roger is still threatening to retire and there are one or two other
players who are doubtful through injury. At
the last moment we do appear to have ‘signed’ three new players, although as
we approach the end of April I know the season is going to be a challenge.
The current squad is thin and I have a feeling that if the season starts on a losing note the squad could dwindle
quickly to a core of about eight or nine players. The likely players are as follows: CHIP GOAT ROLL OF HONOURMark Mark is without doubt our star player, unfortunately
he knows it and I think that’s why he sticks with the team, although in his
own way he is also very loyal to the club.
He is capable of a memorable 100, a classy 50 or a hopeless duck.
His batting last season was diabolical (almost as bad as mine) and our
usual reliable opening partnerships seemed to be a thing of the past.
Mark is a complete contrast to me, flamboyant drives and sophisticated
shots. He can be a joy to watch if
he has arrived at the ground in a fit state to bat. Mark is also an erratic fast bowler.
Last season he took only eleven wickets so I suspect his bowling days
might be behind him but I do hope he proves me wrong. Brian Brian can truly be described as ‘Mr Chip Goat’,
although last season he might better have been described as ‘Mr Excuse’.
He is our longest serving player and has served the club in many
capacities. He is a local farmer
and last season his work commitments did interfere with his cricket.
There were times last season when you knew you were going to get a Friday
night or even Saturday morning phone call from Brian saying he couldn’t play
because he had to shovel some dung or move a tractor or something.
Last season he was our most successful batsman.
An explosive hitter, his game seemed to mature with the ability to build
a big innings. If we can get him on
the cricket pitch and away from chasing sheep in the field, he could contribute
a lot to the season. Max Red haired and red faced. The family connection starts here, Max is Brian’s cousin.
If Brian can be described as Mr Chip Goat, then Max could be described as
Mrs Chip Goat as he does have the propensity to be something of an old woman if
things don’t go to plan. Many a
time I have suffered the Max scowl as I take him off an over too early whilst
bowling. He has, however, served Chip Goat admirably and can
be relied on for a useful spell of medium paced bowling, particularly on a wet,
tricky wicket. He is also the club
groundsman and I sometimes think he prepares wickets for the bowlers.
He does have the uncanny knack of being able to bowl deliveries that
shoot along the ground like bullets amazing batsman who have never played on our
wicket before. An unconventional
batsman who plays many shots while standing next to the square leg
umpire, he can score some quick runs. Richard A close relative, Richard is my brother.
To say Richard is an unfulfilled talent at cricket is a big
understatement. He never ceases to
flatter to deceive. At the first
game of last season he played an amazing innings of 87 not out to steer us to
victory (thus gaining the tag of ginger magician).
He then proceeded to score about 100 runs in total during the rest of the
season. Richard usually thinks himself out before he goes
into bat and I think we probably need a resident psychologist in the pavilion to
cope with his insecurities. He is
also a medium pace bowler and useful fielder.
Richard’s bowling cannot be described as reliable, it can, however,
sometimes be effective. A Richard
over will probably contain a full toss, a ball that nearly bounces twice and an
unplayable wicket taking delivery. Richard
has looked the part in the pre-season nets with both bat and ball and we now
await the start of the season so it can all fall apart again. Roary Roary is our opening bowler and amongst the
opposition he is probably about as popular as Peter Mandelson amongst a group of
left wing Labour MPs. Roary
has a fiery temperament which can blow at any unsuspecting moment.
As the game deteriorates around us I usually have to despatch Roary to
the long leg boundary to cool off. The
game continues and the gentle sound of leather on willow is punctuated by an
expletive and the sound of a size 9 boot crashing into a gatepost on the
boundary edge. On his day his bowling can be fast and furious and he
does win us matches. The trick with
Roary is knowing when to take him off whilst you are still in an advantageous
position. He is always a challenge
and this year he is also organising the tea rota so I think we could be heading
for some interesting times. Carter I still don’t know whether Carter is going to play
for the team this season. Following
a incident at the pre-season nets where his batting time was cut short by thirty
seconds, there followed an unsavoury incident where handbags were drawn, swords
were crossed and certain individuals got pretty cross.
Carter vowed never to play for the club again but that usually happens
once or twice a season anyway. Last
season he was moved one place down the batting order and we were all sent to
Coventry as they say. I hope he
changes his mind. He is a much improved player and his batting
technique is good enough to score runs for us.
Carter’s main problem is his time keeping. He never seems able to get to a match on time.
He has been sent on an errand for his wife or has spent half an hour
behind a tractor on a country lane. On
one famous occasion he actually drove into the back of a police car on his way
to a match. Needless to say he was late and nobody believed his excuse. He is also the only batsman in the club in danger of
being ‘timed out’ before he reaches the wicket. Carter is meticulous in his preparation for batting and his
arrival at the crease usually allows the umpires time to nip off for a quick
pint at the local hostelry. This
time consuming routine always seems unfortunate on those occasions when he is
bowled first ball. Paddy Paddy is unlikely to play much this season.
He has been awaiting a knee operation for an eternity, but this season it
appears he actually will be going under the surgeon’s knife.
Paddy is probably the most ‘unlucky’ batsman in the world, or at
least he would have you believe that. I
have never known so many dismissals that have occurred as a result of a stray
insect interfering with his vision. He
has also been dismissed because of shadows on the wicket (although nobody else
saw Hank Marvin at the ground that day), movement by farm animals behind the
bowlers arm and distracted by noise from team-mates in the pavilion. He always gets his share of unplayable deliveries and never
faces the bowlers that he wants to. He
is, however, a useful batsman and a fine fielder.
He also puts me right in the field when I get my fielding positions wrong
(as if). Dave Dave is a cricketer who has great enthusiasm for this
noble game. No cause is ever lost
for Dave. He would run through a
brick wall for the team or at least though a ditch and a hedge in pursuit of a
ball on its way over the boundary edge. He
is a useful middle order batsman and a very keen fielder.
Dave can always be relied on to make an LBW appeal or appeal for a catch,
although when he is fielding out on the deep midwicket boundary in the last over
before tea, this practice can seem a bit tiresome. A former captain he at least appreciates how
difficult a job captaincy can be. Mike I think Mike could safely be described as an ‘old
fashioned’ cricketer. This has
nothing to do with the fact he is older than most of us (which he indeed is).
He appreciates the finer points of the game and technically he is a very
correct cricketer. He is an excellent medium pace bowler who can put the ball in
the same place over after over. He
is a joy to keep wicket to as I know I won’t have to keep scuttling down the
legside to keep retrieving stray deliveries. He is also a very useful batsman.
Last season he had injury problems and work commitments and his
appearances were few and far between. He
mostly played in cup games and I suspect this season will be a similar story.
He is into pheasants in a big way and apparently the need to supervise
their breeding in August is another reason for his unavailability.
It takes all sorts I suppose to make up a cricket team. George George is Brian’s brother. A useful medium pace bowler, tailend batsman and fine
fielder. The most remarkable thing
about George is that nobody, including George, seems to know when he is
available to play. George seems to
work the most complex system of shifts known to man and it makes selection a
nightmare. One week he plays, then
he misses three weeks, then he play for two weeks and so on. George’s claim to fame is that in a game ten years
ago he hit four consecutive sixes in an over, including one into a greenhouse. Frank Frank should have been a West Indian.
He likes to hit the ball flamboyantly off the back foot, scorching drives
through the covers. This tactic is fine on hard, fast, bouncy wickets but not
much use on a soggy wicket in May up at the Goat.
Like many of us Frank had a desperate season last year and we can only
hope for better things come the end of April.
One of Frank’s major assets is that his wife bakes magnificent cakes
and she is an incredibly neat and tidy scorer. Kevin Kevin is another Chip Goat stalwart. He works hard
alongside me to ensure we have eleven bodies on the pitch every week.
He has great enthusiasm and last season he scored some useful runs down
the batting order. He bowls occasionally when I let him, although I usually
regret it! The principle problem
with Kevin’s bowling (apart from its lack of accuracy) is that he delivers the
ball from about two yards behind the stumps.
Umpires look round to see where the ball is coming from.
He is renowned for his seasonal bust up with Roary and this year I
predict it will happen in July. Budgie The landlord of the pub turns out for the team when
we are short. This tends to be most
weeks. The main problem is that
Budgie always turns up late. He is
never available until the pub has finished serving thirsty locals and Scampi and
Chips to the tourists on a Saturday lunchtime.
Usually up to an hour into the game he can be seen scuttling around the
boundary edge clutching a plastic bag containing his whites which he purchased
last season when we complained about him turning up in jeans every week.
See earlier comment on jeans. A
good fielder he is totally committed to the club. Roger Despite his claim to have retired, I shall still
include Roger in my list of available players as I am sure I can twist his arm
into playing. Roger is a
‘brummie’ and whilst we don’t hold that against him, it does make
communication difficult. Roger
could hardly be described as a livewire in the field, indeed an electric cattle
prodder would be useful to keep him moving.
He appears to have difficulty in sighting the ball and incredibly he
always seems to move in the opposite direction to the ball as it is launched
towards him in the outfield. Roger
occasionally bowls when we are desperate and he can always be relied on to lift
the gloom in the pavilion with his attempts at batting. New Additions We have three new additions to the squad.
Fiery, Berkeley and Chris. The
last two players are unknown quantities to me, although they seem useful enough
in the nets and it will be nice to have a bigger squad to choose from.
I have played cricket against Fiery for many years.
Until last year he played for a neighbouring team before a fall-out.
Fiery is an excellent bowler and useful aggressive batsman and will
certainly strengthen the team. He
is, however, a very feisty character and certainly likes a battle on the pitch,
sometimes with his own team-mates. An
opening bowling partnership of Roary and Fiery should test my abilities in man
management or even crisis management. I
always like a cricketing challenge and I don’t think things will be dull. |