Chapter 1
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Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6

CHAPTER 1 - PRE-SEASON THOUGHTS FROM THE CAPTAIN

It’s early days and the rain is still beating down but preparations for the new season are well underway.  The Club’s Annual General Meeting was held on 6th February as team-mates gather in anticipation of the new season.  The meeting was its usual shambolic occasion.  As we gathered in the public bar of the Bog Inn it soon became obvious to most that this was a most inappropriate venue as participants shouted across one another to voice their opinions in an increasingly more drunken environment.  A comparison with the House of Commons springs to mind as team-mates split either side of the ‘bottom burning’ open fire to disagree on such vital topics as who should be responsible for organising the tea rota, the club’s finances and how can we improve our toilet facilities?

The club’s toilet facilities were allegedly reported to the league management committee last season for being the most odious and disgusting in the league.  It was hard to disagree with this complaint and as a remedy a slightly ‘shop soiled’ portaloo had been purchased and was ready for installation.  Volunteers were sought for a working party to bravely remove the existing cesspit of a toilet and install the new facility.  Volunteers were not forthcoming.  It was noted that asbestos gloves could be required and that Greenpeace were on standby.

There is considerable muttering and groaning about the club’s financial records.  The Treasurer’s verbal report amounts to little more than ‘well we have about two hundred pounds in the kitty’.  No financial spreadsheet  or audited accounts here and members of the club reflect on the fact that perhaps financial accountability is not what it should be.  Funds seem light and the Treasurer is urged to search around under his bed to see if any coins have fallen out of the shoe box.  Team-mates owing match fees from the previous season hang their heads in shame. There is much concern as team-mates display a cowardly instinct  to try and oust the Treasurer via a secret ballot instead of the normal show of hands. We favour a first past the post the system.  The tactic fails miserably as he is re-elected for a new term of office. We all wonder whether the club could invest in some sellotape to mend the shoe box.  Alternatively we could of course open a bank account but no what a silly idea.

Despite the fact that the meeting lasted in excess of  three hours, very little was actually decided - so no change there.  Most of the club’s officials were reappointed for a new term of office.  I was returned unopposed as captain.  I suspect I was reappointed not because I was successful last year but because nobody else wanted the job and we had at least won more games than we lost in the second half of last season.  I suppose I should be honoured but I somehow felt I had been given the poisoned chalice again.

Mark was again voted vice-captain and second selector.  Mark can be a very able cricketer and has a fine cricket brain, unfortunately he usually forgets to bring it to the cricket field.  He occasionally brings enthusiasm but mostly he brings pain, anguish and despair as we all suffer from his exertions and abuse of his body from the night before.  Never one to let his team-mates down, he will always turn up for a match, although invariably looking like the living dead as he has had insufficient sleep following an evening of debauched drinking and night-clubbing.

Mark contributes little to decision-making although he can always be relied on for chirpy, amusing comments in times of adversity.  This is not usually well appreciated as a glance at the scoreboard reveals we are 34 for 8 chasing 240 to win.  Any difficult decisions to break to team-mates and Mark seems to have vanished from the pavilion to listen to test match special in the car.  I guess this is the pain of captaincy.

The idea of Mark accompanying me to inspect the wicket before a match is difficult to imagine for three reasons.  Firstly Mark does not arrive at the ground until about two minutes before (or indeed after) the game is scheduled to start, secondly he would need to be steady enough on his feet to be able to walk from the pavilion to the wicket and thirdly if he did manage to reach the wicket and bend down to put the car key in the cracks, he would be a strong contender to throw up on a good length and almost certainly give the opposition bowlers something to aim at (probably a piece of carrot).  Why is there always carrot?  Indeed this reminds me of the incident at a game a few years before when on a damp, wet day the groundsman was summoned to provide saw-dust for the bowlers footmarks and a vastly inexperienced tea lady enquired whether a cricketer had been sick on the pitch. 

Kevin was appointed third selector.  He lives locally and his help is essential not really in ‘selecting’ but in ensuring we have eleven bodies on the pitch each week.  His expertise in recruiting a last minute local from the Bog Inn deep into injury time on a Friday night is now almost legendary. 

The only change of note was the resignation of our trusty match secretary ‘Roger’.  He also announced his retirement from the ‘playing game’.  Many thought he had done that the previous season.  He felt that now was the time to take up serious umpiring in a local club league.  Anybody who had experienced one of Roger’s famous LBW decisions feared this might be a bad move and before the season was out he would end up impaled on a cricket stump by a disgruntled batsman.  We were reassured to notice that Roger had acquired a pair of glasses during the winter, although it did make him rather resemble a certain well-known publican from a north-western soap opera.  Roger is however a hero, a reliable clubman who has done sterling work for the team.  It was our honour to vote him in as club president and secretly I hoped that come the end of April and with only 10 men available for the first game he would once again turn out for us and doze off in the field as if nothing had changed. 

Our minds now turned to pre-season training.  This year was going to be different.   It had been decided we would overcome our usual early season failings by starting net practice in January.  This was almost unprecedented in the history of Chip Goat.  This move was not without controversy.  A couple of Chip Goat stalwarts felt this practice was unnecessary and there would not be sufficient interest to make the nets worthwhile.  This pessimism seemed well founded as only 5 gallant troops turned out on Sunday 11th January to practice.  Interest has generated further in the nets although I fear not to the extent required to ensure we are not scratching around for a team at the end of April.

This early interest in nets is a remarkable feat in itself as usually pre-season training starts in April with a couple of aimless indoor nets attended by about half a dozen die-hards.  This is then followed by a practice game (where if we are lucky enough to get eleven players on the field) the season has really started (with a whimper).  Interest in this practice game tends to be minimal and excuses come thick and fast.  Common one’s include ‘it’s too cold’,  ‘it’s not a league game so there’s no point’, ‘aah I’m going to watch the football’ and ‘sorry I’m shooting pheasants’ - no that excuse comes in August I think.  Interest is usually thin on the ground and requires the recruitment of one or two non-cricketing locals from the pub and probably a local dog/cat/cow/sheep (depending on what’s available).  We have decided not to bother with the practice game this year.

The club has for a long-time suffered from a shortage of players and as captain this is fundamentally my problem.  The dreaded Friday night phone call as somebody has to withdraw from the game to shampoo the dog or shoot pheasants again often means a dramatic rethink.  A quick check on my list suggests we are down to 8 players and with very few options to call on.  We are desperate for new blood in the team and desperate times call for desperate measures.  We place adverts in all the local papers and the Bog Inn, but we are not flooded with enquiries.  Some members of the team and especially the chairman bemoan the lack of interest from the village and the Bolsdale valley, but the interest is just not there. 

The few locals that have come forward have generally been hopeless and unreliable and usually fall at the first hurdle in that they are unable to turn out in cricket whites.  Call me a cricketing snob if you like, but there is nothing more likely to create an atmosphere of amusement and confidence in the opposition camp than the sight of a team including ‘cricketers’ dressed in jeans, brown khaki trousers or hob nailed boots. We should look the part even if we are a bunch of no-hopers once we step on the field. 

We are therefore resigned to call on the services of ‘cricketers’ from all around the area, with many coming from an area up to twenty miles away.  I fear for the coming season and wonder whether we will actually have eleven players for that first game in April.

As the start of the season draws ever nearer,  Roger is still threatening to retire and there are one or two other players who are doubtful through injury.  At the last moment we do appear to have ‘signed’ three new players, although as we approach the end of April I know the season is going to be a challenge.  The current squad is thin and I have a feeling that if  the season starts on a losing note the squad could dwindle quickly to a core of about eight or nine players.  The likely players are as follows:

 

CHIP GOAT ROLL OF HONOUR

Mark

Mark is without doubt our star player, unfortunately he knows it and I think that’s why he sticks with the team, although in his own way he is also very loyal to the club.  He is capable of a memorable 100, a classy 50 or a hopeless duck.  His batting last season was diabolical (almost as bad as mine) and our usual reliable opening partnerships seemed to be a thing of the past.  Mark is a complete contrast to me, flamboyant drives and sophisticated shots.  He can be a joy to watch if he has arrived at the ground in a fit state to bat.

Mark is also an erratic fast bowler.  Last season he took only eleven wickets so I suspect his bowling days might be behind him but I do hope he proves me wrong.

Brian

Brian can truly be described as ‘Mr Chip Goat’, although last season he might better have been described as ‘Mr Excuse’.  He is our longest serving player and has served the club in many capacities.  He is a local farmer and last season his work commitments did interfere with his cricket.  There were times last season when you knew you were going to get a Friday night or even Saturday morning phone call from Brian saying he couldn’t play because he had to shovel some dung or move a tractor or something. 

Last season he was our most successful batsman.  An explosive hitter, his game seemed to mature with the ability to build a big innings.  If we can get him on the cricket pitch and away from chasing sheep in the field, he could contribute a lot to the season.

 

Max

Red haired and red faced.  The family connection starts here, Max is Brian’s cousin.  If Brian can be described as Mr Chip Goat, then Max could be described as Mrs Chip Goat as he does have the propensity to be something of an old woman if things don’t go to plan.  Many a time I have suffered the Max scowl as I take him off an over too early whilst bowling.

He has, however, served Chip Goat admirably and can be relied on for a useful spell of medium paced bowling, particularly on a wet, tricky wicket.  He is also the club groundsman and I sometimes think he prepares wickets for the bowlers.  He does have the uncanny knack of being able to bowl deliveries that shoot along the ground like bullets amazing batsman who have never played on our wicket before.  An unconventional  batsman who plays many shots while standing next to the square leg umpire, he can score some quick runs. 

 

Richard

A close relative, Richard is my brother.  To say Richard is an unfulfilled talent at cricket is a big understatement.  He never ceases to flatter to deceive.  At the first game of last season he played an amazing innings of 87 not out to steer us to victory (thus gaining the tag of ginger magician).  He then proceeded to score about 100 runs in total during the rest of the season. 

Richard usually thinks himself out before he goes into bat and I think we probably need a resident psychologist in the pavilion to cope with his insecurities.  He is also a medium pace bowler and useful fielder.  Richard’s bowling cannot be described as reliable, it can, however, sometimes be effective.  A Richard over will probably contain a full toss, a ball that nearly bounces twice and an unplayable wicket taking delivery.  Richard has looked the part in the pre-season nets with both bat and ball and we now await the start of the season so it can all fall apart again.

 

Roary

Roary is our opening bowler and amongst the opposition he is probably about as popular as Peter Mandelson amongst a group of left wing Labour MPs.   Roary has a fiery temperament which can blow at any unsuspecting moment.  As the game deteriorates around us I usually have to despatch Roary to the long leg boundary to cool off.  The game continues and the gentle sound of leather on willow is punctuated by an expletive and the sound of a size 9 boot crashing into a gatepost on the boundary edge.

On his day his bowling can be fast and furious and he does win us matches.  The trick with Roary is knowing when to take him off whilst you are still in an advantageous position.  He is always a challenge and this year he is also organising the tea rota so I think we could be heading for some interesting times.

 

Carter

I still don’t know whether Carter is going to play for the team this season.  Following a incident at the pre-season nets where his batting time was cut short by thirty seconds, there followed an unsavoury incident where handbags were drawn, swords were crossed and certain individuals got pretty cross.  Carter vowed never to play for the club again but that usually happens once or twice a season anyway.  Last season he was moved one place down the batting order and we were all sent to Coventry as they say.  I hope he changes his mind.

He is a much improved player and his batting technique is good enough to score runs for us.  Carter’s main problem is his time keeping.  He never seems able to get to a match on time.  He has been sent on an errand for his wife or has spent half an hour behind a tractor on a country lane.  On one famous occasion he actually drove into the back of a police car on his way to a match.  Needless to say he was late and nobody believed his excuse.

He is also the only batsman in the club in danger of being ‘timed out’ before he reaches the wicket.  Carter is meticulous in his preparation for batting and his arrival at the crease usually allows the umpires time to nip off for a quick pint at the local hostelry.  This time consuming routine always seems unfortunate on those occasions when he is bowled first ball.

 

Paddy

Paddy is unlikely to play much this season.  He has been awaiting a knee operation for an eternity, but this season it appears he actually will be going under the surgeon’s knife.  Paddy is probably the most ‘unlucky’ batsman in the world, or at least he would have you believe that.  I have never known so many dismissals that have occurred as a result of a stray insect interfering with his vision.  He has also been dismissed because of shadows on the wicket (although nobody else saw Hank Marvin at the ground that day), movement by farm animals behind the bowlers arm and distracted by noise from team-mates in the pavilion.  He always gets his share of unplayable deliveries and never faces the bowlers that he wants to.  He is, however, a useful batsman and a fine fielder.  He also puts me right in the field when I get my fielding positions wrong (as if).

 

Dave

Dave is a cricketer who has great enthusiasm for this noble game.  No cause is ever lost for Dave.  He would run through a brick wall for the team or at least though a ditch and a hedge in pursuit of a ball on its way over the boundary edge.  He is a useful middle order batsman and a very keen fielder.  Dave can always be relied on to make an LBW appeal or appeal for a catch, although when he is fielding out on the deep midwicket boundary in the last over before tea, this practice can seem a bit tiresome.

A former captain he at least appreciates how difficult a job captaincy can be.

 

Mike

I think Mike could safely be described as an ‘old fashioned’ cricketer.  This has nothing to do with the fact he is older than most of us (which he indeed is).  He appreciates the finer points of the game and technically he is a very correct cricketer.  He is an excellent medium pace bowler who can put the ball in the same place over after over.  He is a joy to keep wicket to as I know I won’t have to keep scuttling down the legside to keep retrieving stray deliveries.

He is also a very useful batsman.  Last season he had injury problems and work commitments and his appearances were few and far between.  He mostly played in cup games and I suspect this season will be a similar story.  He is into pheasants in a big way and apparently the need to supervise their breeding in August is another reason for his unavailability.  It takes all sorts I suppose to make up a cricket team.

 

George

George is Brian’s brother.  A useful medium pace bowler, tailend batsman and fine fielder.  The most remarkable thing about George is that nobody, including George, seems to know when he is available to play.  George seems to work the most complex system of shifts known to man and it makes selection a nightmare.  One week he plays, then he misses three weeks, then he play for two weeks and so on.

George’s claim to fame is that in a game ten years ago he hit four consecutive sixes in an over, including one into a greenhouse.

 

Frank

Frank should have been a West Indian.  He likes to hit the ball flamboyantly off the back foot, scorching drives through the covers.  This tactic is fine on hard, fast, bouncy wickets but not much use on a soggy wicket in May up at the Goat.  Like many of us Frank had a desperate season last year and we can only hope for better things come the end of April.  One of Frank’s major assets is that his wife bakes magnificent cakes and she is an incredibly neat and tidy scorer.

 

Kevin

Kevin is another Chip Goat stalwart. He works hard alongside me to ensure we have eleven bodies on the pitch every week.  He has great enthusiasm and last season he scored some useful runs down the batting order.  He bowls occasionally when I let him, although I usually regret it!  The principle problem with Kevin’s bowling (apart from its lack of accuracy) is that he delivers the ball from about two yards behind the stumps.  Umpires look round to see where the ball is coming from.  He is renowned for his seasonal bust up with Roary and this year I predict it will happen in July.

 

Budgie

The landlord of the pub turns out for the team when we are short.  This tends to be most weeks.  The main problem is that Budgie always turns up late.  He is never available until the pub has finished serving thirsty locals and Scampi and Chips to the tourists on a Saturday lunchtime.  Usually up to an hour into the game he can be seen scuttling around the boundary edge clutching a plastic bag containing his whites which he purchased last season when we complained about him turning up in jeans every week.  See earlier comment on jeans.  A good fielder he is totally committed to the club.

 

Roger

Despite his claim to have retired, I shall still include Roger in my list of available players as I am sure I can twist his arm into playing.  Roger is a ‘brummie’ and whilst we don’t hold that against him, it does make communication difficult.  Roger could hardly be described as a livewire in the field, indeed an electric cattle prodder would be useful to keep him moving.  He appears to have difficulty in sighting the ball and incredibly he always seems to move in the opposite direction to the ball as it is launched towards him in the outfield.  Roger occasionally bowls when we are desperate and he can always be relied on to lift the gloom in the pavilion with his attempts at batting.

 

New Additions

We have three new additions to the squad.  Fiery, Berkeley and Chris.  The last two players are unknown quantities to me, although they seem useful enough in the nets and it will be nice to have a bigger squad to choose from. 

I have played cricket against Fiery for many years.  Until last year he played for a neighbouring team before a fall-out.  Fiery is an excellent bowler and useful aggressive batsman and will certainly strengthen the team.  He is, however, a very feisty character and certainly likes a battle on the pitch, sometimes with his own team-mates.  An opening bowling partnership of Roary and Fiery should test my abilities in man management or even crisis management.  I always like a cricketing challenge and I don’t think things will be dull.