CHAPTER 3 - WOT NO CRICKET! (JUNE)

Saturday 6th June

Hidden Rugby (away)

In a bid to try and get the season moving again I am determined to try and improve team morale.  We all need to pull in the right direction and start to enjoy our cricket again.  I wonder about a tub thumping team talk in the pavilion before the start of the game, although buying a crate of beer for the players might have more benefit.  I am too tight to indulge in such benevolence so players will just have to put up with my words of wisdom.

Hidden Rugby are not a very strong side but occasionally they can put in a good performance.  They are also an entertaining bunch of lads who play the game in the right spirit.  Last season they had two batsman who ‘walked’ for legside catches to me behind and I thought that displayed a fine sporting attitude, compared with one particular boorish team we have played already this season!

The game last season at Hidden Rugby was unforgettable for me in that I was run out by Roger, although it has to be said that Roger does have something of a track record in running out his own team-mates.  I was in a desperate run of bad form so I decided to drop down the batting order to number 8 to try and get some easy pickings from the change bowlers (or so I thought).  To cut a long story very short, Roger hit the ball straight at a fielder about fifteen yards away at cover point and decided to run towards me at the non-strikers end.  I yelled no but he either did not hear me which is possible as he is deaf as a post or he simply got confused which is also very possible.  I was so cross I was almost lost for words.  On leaving the crease I did manage the profound sentence “stay there Roger means stay there”.  Needless to say my sensible team-mates had vacated the pavilion for fear of experiencing my bad temper. 

A downpour on the Friday night means the ground is declared unfit on the Saturday morning.  We are losing a lot of cricket to bad weather and it is starting to get frustrating.  Another draw and another two points.  On the bright side at least our losing streak has come to an end.

Result:  Draw 

Sunday 7th June

Review (home) Dormouse Cup - (round one)

The Dormouse Cup gives Chip Goat a chance to play certain teams we don’t meet in league games.  This year we have drawn Review, a team from further down the Bolsdale valley.  Review is more famous for its 12th century ruined abbey and its very pleasant temple walk.  I understand that currently there are no Cistercian monks turning out for the team. The last cricketing monk packed up a few centuries ago and with him went the art of leg spin bowling.  In real cricketing terms I know very little about our Dormouse Cup opponents.

I was quite pleased we hadn’t drawn near neighbours Stout House in this competition.  We don’t play against Stout House in the league but very often seem to draw Stout House away in this cup competition.  An away game at Stout House is an experience to behold and gives a whole new meaning to home advantage.

The field at Stout House slopes quite dramatically at about forty-five degrees from the top of the field to the road that runs along the valley. The Stout House ground is basically a fairly primitive sheep field, with a wicket cut into the hillside.  The field is not only hilly, the grass is long, depending on how hungry the sheep have been.  The major drawback of hungry sheep is sheep muck and there is usually plenty of that.  The boundaries of the field are interesting, varying, from a stone wall on three sides, with the fourth boundary edge marked by a variety of unsuitable points of reference, including farm buildings, hen huts, bales of hay and a gate into the field.  In addition to the sheep, there are many other unusual objects in the field of play, namely a washing line, farm machinery and a gigantic stone cricket roller.

The local rules appear complicated and tend only to be explained when the position needs to be manoeuvred to the home team’s advantage.  Normal cricket strategy goes out of the window as batsman are forced to hit the ball in the air to get any distance on their shots.  Geoffrey Boycott would have woken up in the night in a cold sweat if ever forced to play at Stout House.  Fielding positions can only be described as abnormal.  With a split 9/2 field protecting the steep slope side you can need two fielders to relay the ball up from the bottom of the field.  All run five’s are not an uncommon occurrence at Stout House.  

We had the misfortune to play Stout House in the Dormouse Cup in the previous season and having persuaded reluctant team-mates to play, we all knew we were in for an interesting evening’s entertainment that could only be loosely described as cricket.  The first thing that happens in a game of cricket at Stout House is that the game will start late.  Don’t bother rushing to get to the ground early as only the sheep will be there to meet you.  As you wait to get started the Stout House players gradually arrive and then matters are delayed further by the fact they need to cut and roll a  wicket.  It is at this point the Stout House skipper tries to reduce the overs to make up for the short-fall in time and despite it clearly transgressing the competition rules.  They really are a frustrating bunch, however, it is almost impossible to get them to do anything in a hurry.

Stout House generally don’t  need much assistance to win a game of cricket, however, in this particular game they decided to give themselves a helping hand anyway.  They engaged a local ringer as umpire who proceeded to give four Chip Goat batsman out LBW.  I was amazed it was only four.

We lost another batsman in even more bizarre circumstances.  Mark launched a fine drive down the ground which looked to be clearing the hen huts, only for a boundary fielder to gain extra height by climbing on the stone roller and taking the catch.  A bemused Mark reluctantly left the wicket without a satisfactory reason as to why he was out.  Under normal cricketing protocol, any objects such as trees or sightscreens within the boundary edge are normally classified as part of the boundary - not so at Stout House.  The Stout House umpire refused to reconsider and we could only assume local rules were being applied, i.e., you can only be caught off the roller on a Wednesday and if you played the shot in the first ten overs.  You can rest assured the rule will have changed the following season.  I knew the game was up when during the Stout House reply our friendly umpire decided to start calling no-balls from his square-leg position, announcing that we had more than two players behind square leg.  This as you will imagine was not the case but the umpire is always right.  Needless to say we managed to lose the game in double quick time.  Please don’t let us draw Stout House in any cup competitions this year.

It was therefore with some relief that we were drawn to play Review at home.  As Review arrive at the ground I notice they contain the usual mix of wily campaigners, ‘rural characters’, young lads (careful) and those making up the numbers.

After heavy rain for much of the week the outfield and indeed the wicket resembled more a football pitch in December rather than a cricket pitch in June, anyway the conditions were deemed just fit to play.  On winning the toss I decide to bat on the assumption that the condition of the wicket can only get worse.  Review bowl a little erratically at the start and we get off to a flyer.  I even manage to pull a couple of boundaries (quite unbelievable for me).  We race past the 30 mark in 5 overs and then Mark is bowled for 10.  Brian joins me at the wicket and bats well for 18 including a swotted six behind square leg. After Brian is out I continue to hit the ball fairly well.  Dave is out cheaply and then Roary chips in with a cheeky but firm 10.

I am then joined at the wicket by pensioner Mike making a ‘guest’ appearance.  He has been busy with his pheasants all day and this seems to have taken a lot out of him as he finds running between the wickets at speed a tricky operation.  We both seem incapable of hitting a boundary, although we keep the score moving with plenty of singles and the occasional two.

I reach my fifty in the penultimate over and we look like posting a decent total.  In the final over the inevitable happens as Mike hits the ball and then decides to standstill and admire his shot.  We are both in situ at the striker’s end as the wicket is broken at the bowler’s end.  It would be difficult to be run out by a greater margin.  After a lengthy discussion as to who should be out it was generally agreed I had to go.  I was out for 50 exactly.  I hate being run out. 

It has been commented on that I am usually the transgressor rather than the victim in these circumstances. The weight of statistical evidence means I can’t really disagree with this statement, however, I don’t think I should be blamed for the running and calling inadequacies of my own team-mates.  As any opening batsman worth his salt would tell you, make sure you survive at all costs.  There may be run out casualties along the way but make sure you get to the right end when the wicket is broken.  Never make eye contact with the departing batsman and always make sure you continue your innings for long enough to allow the dismissed batsman time to calm down.  This strategy has two major benefits.  Firstly it hopefully allows you enough time to build a decent innings and team-mates will be grateful to you for that and secondly it allows you sufficient time to perfect your excuse.  Back to the game, a pleasing knock but a disappointing way for it to end, besides I was convinced I was going to break with tradition and finish with a last over slog for six.  Mike finishes with 18 not out as we total 120-6 after our allotted 22 overs.

Review’s openers look useful enough but Max and Roary bowl tightly and they are soon behind the required rate.  Wickets start to fall and we look to have the game in the bag.  Dave amuses us all with his party tricks as he attempts to retrieve the ball and loses his footing on a stile and dives headfirst into a sheep muck infested field.  With the game nearly won and having spent most of the game giving us a master class on how to bat, bowl and field, Mike drops a dolly catch that even Devon Malcolm would have caught without his strap on glasses.  The end is near and Review finish on 80-8 at the end of their overs.  Roary bowls well against some dodgy late order batting to finish with 7-26.  A satisfying win.

Result:  Won

Pitch Marking:            6 out of 10 - Waterlogged but at least we scored some runs.

Saturday 13th June

West Parsley (home)

Today is my turn on the tea rota.  The one occasion every player dreads.  For me it is a particular nightmare as our household is in turmoil as we our having the dining room floor resurfaced.   I break the news gently to my wife and reassure her I can handle the situation.  With a wary eye on the weather and after a frenetic trip to the shops I set my mind to making the sandwiches. 

My wife returns from B&Q to find absolutely carnage in the kitchen.  There are slices of buttered bread everywhere,  an EC mountain of grated cheese and  unpleasant odours emanating from a pile of hard boiled eggs.  I concentrate on the sandwiches and thank goodness for Mr Kipling’s  individual apple pies.  Incidentally the spell checker on my wordprocesser refused to accept the word ‘Kipling’ and offered ‘Killing’ as a suitable replacement.  That must be the killing Mr Kipling has made from his cakes and pies as desperate cricketers have resorted to his ‘goodies’ in order to meet their cricket tea obligations.

I think I have the job sorted, then tragedy strikes as I realise I have forgotten the jam tarts.  These are an essential ingredient for any successful cricket tea.  Cricketers have been dropped or even castrated for a lesser crime.  Another mad dash to the shop and with another glance at the grey skies, I set off for the cricket match leaving my wife to sand and revarnish the dining room floor.  What a stupid idea to do it on a Saturday afternoon in the cricket season.

After the disappointment of the previous Saturday I am desperate to play the game against West Parsley.  The weather forecast is absolutely diabolical, however, the rain holds off and I wonder whether we might actually get played.  As we arrive at the ground a faint drizzle has started and it is pretty miserable.  The ground is wet but playable and on balance I think we should try and make a start.  This view was not shared by team-mates, only Kevin remains a beacon of optimism in the pavilion. 

The opposition are not keen to risk it in the damp weather and I think to myself we are wasting our time.  Brian and Max entrench themselves in smokers corner in the pavilion and seem determined to stay there.  Mark and Roary are enticed away to the pub to watch the end of the Nigeria versus Spain world cup match and I think they probably have the right idea.

The moaning and groaning continues in the pavilion as we decide to take a very early tea and force cricketers to eat cheese sandwiches and jam tarts that they don’t really want.  I think this practice could be compared to some form of ancient Japanese torture.  The situation worsens when we realise that there is no milk to serve with the tea.  At about 4-00pm the misery ends as we decide to abandon ship and call the game off.   Misery upon misery we realise at this point that the pub has closed early and we can’t even console ourselves with a pint.  What an absolutely pointless day.

Result:  Draw

Saturday 20th June

Kilmore (away)

Alongside Chip Goat the ground at Kilmore is one of the most picturesque in the league.  It is a real village ground with charm and character set deep into the North Yorkshire moors.  Kilmore have had a disappointing start to the season, but they have some useful players and we will underestimate them at our peril.

The day is hot and muggy and on losing the toss Chip Goat are consigned to sweltering in the field.  Roary opens the bowling and bowls like a drain (a blocked and smelly one at that) and after five overs of rubbish I despatch him to the long leg boundary to reflect on his performance.  Fiery bowls well and takes a couple of early wickets.  I introduce Berkeley into the attack as I think spin might be the answer.  After a dodgy first over he bowls well until once again we are taken apart by a middle order hitter who seems to take delight in slogging Berkeley back over his head.  Every time I move a fielder to cover a shot the ball flies off in some new direction.  I was starting to feel a bit sorry for Berkeley who was actually bowling quite well.

Eventually we claw our way back into the game and Berkeley gets his revenge as he  finishes with a career best for Chip Goat of 6 for 50.  Fiery plods away at the other end and his final figures of 3 for 53 hardly do him justice.  Kilmore finish on 128 all out which is a moderate score but their last three wickets put on thirty runs which is more than I would have liked.  The situation was not helped by more dropped catches.

We set off in reply and we suffer a bad start as I have a complete mental aberration as I play across a perfectly straight delivery and lob via the outside edge of the bat a gentle catch to mid on.  My first duck of the season and a dismal way to get out.  Brian joins in the competition of finding new and appalling ways to get out by having a big slog and being bowled third ball.  As Brian returns to the pavilion I resist making a comment as after my dismissal the phrase ‘pot calling the kettle black’ springs to mind.  Fortunately sanity returns to our batting as Dave joins Mark and they build a useful partnership.  Then from nowhere the June rain returns and we lose twenty minutes of play. 

The wicket is now more tricky after the rain, although Mark and Dave continue to bat well.  I am starting to feel confident only for disaster to strike.  Dave falls for 15 and Mark quickly follows for a well made 43.

After that it is a procession of wickets.  The ginger magician is given out LBW and after delaying his departure from the crease to point out to the umpire how far down the wicket he was, I fear the ICC Cricket Board might want to investigate his truculent behaviour and fine him 25% of his match fee.  Frank soon follows run out by half the length of the pitch. 

Fiery hits a defiant 19 which includes a superb drive which ‘sconed’ Berkeley at the non-strikers end and bounced of his head about twenty feet in the air.  The Kilmore fielders rush in to try and catch it while Fiery decides whether to run.  He decides against this strategy as Berkeley is clearly dazed and seems to be moving in the opposite direction back towards the pavilion.  Overs and wickets are running out and Kevin is the last man out in the final over to leave us ten runs short of the Kilmore total.  On being given out LBW Kevin throws his bat in the air in disappointment and Berkeley takes cover for fear of sustaining yet another injury from a team-mate.  Another defeat dragged from the jaws of victory.

We retire to the pub for some liquid refreshment and team-mates reflect that perhaps some retirements from the team might be beneficial.  A truly awful performance and I can see confidence draining fast from the team.  On the brightside Berkeley sat in the corner of the pub inanely grinning.  We were not sure whether he was simply pleased with his career best bowling return or whether he had sustained some permanent damage to his head.  He reassured us that everything was tickety-boo, although he did have a bit of a headache.

Result:  Lost

Pitch Marking:            7 out of 10 - Despite not looking much like a cricket wicket, it played fairly well (as they usually do at Kilmore) and it can’t be blamed for my first duck of the season.

Tea Marking:            7 out of 10 - Solid effort.

Monday 22nd June

Grazedale (away) Cheatington Cup - (round 2)

Interest is running high in the cup (the world cup that is) as Mark and Roary declare their unavailability for this important Cheatington Cup clash.  As Roary and Mark settle in front of the telly to watch another England football disaster against Romania, the real cricketers turn out for Chip Goat.  Grazedale also seem to be having a problem, as five minutes before the start they only have five players on the pitch.  Being a heartless so and so I win the toss and decide to bat first and hope we can pick up runs through the many gaps in the field.  I am determined to pinch a victory from somewhere.  In the nick of time a van load of rural types arrive at the ground to save the day for Grazedale as they now have eleven players.

As we make our way out to the wicket to start the innings,  the only way we can distinguish the wicket from the rest of the playing area is by the fact it has six wooden sticks in the ground.  The wicket is dreadful and on commencement of play I realise that even an ordinary bowler soon becomes a world beater in these conditions.  There is no bounce in the wicket and I am soon very concerned about how many runs we will be able to make.  Brian is out cheaply and I soon follow for 5, trying to cut a ball that rolls all the way along the ground.  Dave gets bogged down and despite plenty of advice from the boundary edge to ‘hit it’, he seems unable to lay bat on ball.  Team-mates then offer ‘friendly’ advice for Dave to get out if he can’t score a bit faster.  It is not Dave’s night as even attempts at giving his wicket away fail miserably.  To ironic cheers from the Chip Goat dressing room the young Grazedale pace bowler eventually bowls Dave for a tortoise-like 5 runs.  With only five overs left, Chip Goat are 50-5.

Enter the ginger magician and Bermudan Frank who both belay recent bad form and start stroking the ball around magnificently.  Richard makes 24 not out while Frank is run out off the last ball for 19.  We close on 89-6 after our 20 overs which should give us a chance.

In reply Grazedale get off to a solid but slow start and they are soon behind the required run rate.  They start taking desperate singles and ‘Jonty’ George swoops in from cover to run out one of the opening batsman with a direct hit.  The other opening batsman takes great delight in taking ridiculous singles and generally wandering about outside his crease.  This starts to annoy Fiery and he tries various devious tactics to try and run him out or at least hit him with the cricket ball.  He achieves neither but makes my life behind the wickets incredibly difficult as I have to keep scuttling around trying to retrieve stray throws.  Not exactly good news for my back either.

Max and Fiery were however bowling very well and the game was getting beyond Grazedale.  In the end Max takes 3-32 in 10 overs while Fiery finishes with a miserly 1-18 in 9 overs.  With the game won Fiery takes himself off and brings Mike on to bowl the last over.  I am only the captain so I didn’t seem to have a say in the matter!  Special guest Mike takes 2-4 in one over as he picks up some rabbits at the end.  We tell him to put them down as it seems a bit unfair to interfere with the local wildlife.  Grazedale finish on 66-8, so in the end it is a comfortable win by 23 runs.  We field well for a change and that was certainly an important factor.  We dash quickly to the pub to watch the gory horror of England’s defeat in the world cup.

Result:  Won

Pitch Marking:            2 out of 10 - the pitches at Cheatington seem to be getting worse.  This one was absolutely dreadful.

Thursday 25th June

Kilmore (home) Bert Microchip Cup - (round one)

This 22 overs knockout competition is for the real dumbos of the league.  It is cricket’s equivalence of the Autowinscreens Cup for lower division football teams; only we don’t get the sop of playing the final at Lords.  The teams that occupied the bottom eight places in the league table the previous season compete in a competition the following season to discover who is the best of the worst.  Needless to say Chip Goat have competed in the Bert Microchip Cup every year since its inception and have never progressed beyond the first round.  Kilmore are the first round obstacles this year to a glamorous second round tie.

After a showery day the sun has come out and conditions are deemed fit to play.  The wicket that has been prepared is bizarre. Most of the pitch is fairly dry, however, a yard strip on a good length at one end was absolutely saturated.  It was like somebody had tipped  buckets of water all over one piece of the wicket.  It was beyond explanation or so I thought.

On returning to the pavilion as I was advised by a team-mate in the know that the drenched portion of the cricket square was due to the activities of the Village Social Committee.  What dark and devious activities had the locals been indulging in and were there any sheep involved?  The previous Sunday had seen the holding of the village fete and fun day.  Stalls and events such as climbing the village ladder for fifty pence,  jumping on and off the tractor trailer, beating up the batsman to claim the pound coin from his middle wicket and seeing how far you can throw a sheep all added up to an enthralling day.   Plenty for the children to enjoy.  The exciting programme of events together with the predicted dreary weather were enough to put me off this ‘essential’ local event.  It is rumoured the fun day raised enough money for three new ashtrays for the village hall.  

Anyway back to the issue of the sodden portion of the wicket.  In true medieval tradition the villagers had erected a village stock so the bad and the ugly could receive their watery come uppance.  Apparently as Village cricket captain I was supposed to have a spell in this quaint contraption.  I kindly declined the offer as I had important decorating at home to do.  In rather idiotic fashion they had located the stock on the edge on the square and as you can imagine all the water had to seep into the ground somewhere.  It’s not as if the wicket needed much watering after the summer we have had so far, well it certainly doesn’t now!

On greeting the Kilmore skipper I shepherd him to the dry end of the wicket so I don’t have to explain to him why part of the pitch looks like a paddy field.  I don’t think he notices one of the unlucky sheep that was still ensnared in the hedge in the adjoining field. 

On winning the toss I decide to bat first on the grounds that this strip can surely only get worse.  My worst fears are discovered as I face my first ball at the ‘saturated lane end’.  The ball plops into the muddy mess leaving a moon size crater and catches the shoulder of my bat as I play my shot far too early.  The ball lobs to the keeper and I am out for another duck against Kilmore.  Brian soon follows playing too early at the soggy end and spooning a catch.  Mark and Fiery are dismissed quickly as nobody gets to grips with the horrendous conditions.  We are 11-4 after 11 overs and I wonder whether a new Bert Microchip low score batting record might be set. 

Richard and Dave bat sensibly for a while, then Richard perishes caught deep on the boundary for 13 as he tries to push the score along.  Dave continues to do well, although wickets keep tumbling at the other end.  It’s only when Roary joins him, batting at number nine for disciplinary reasons after his failure to play in the Cheatington Cup game on Monday, that we look like posting even a presentable score.  Roary is out near the end and Max soon follows, another victim of his lovingly prepared pitch.  Kevin does well and ensures all the overs are used up.  We finish on a very moderate 74-9 which would have been much worse but for Dave’s 28 not out.

In this cup you need to use a minimum of four bowlers.  I open with Fiery and Mike as I hope they can both bowl accurately and create some early pressure.  Apart from the odd loose ball from Mike, they both bowl really well and we still have a chance at the half-way stage of the Kilmore innings.  They are 30-2 after 12 overs and whilst they have wickets in hand, they are slightly behind the run rate.   

Enter Roary who continues his poor bowling form from Saturday.  As Roary is despatched to all points of the offside boundary, I realise the game is now almost lost.  After two overs for eighteen runs I take Roary off and bring on Mark who claims a wickets courtesy of a fantastic catch by Kevin.  Max bowls tightly from the other end but Kilmore score the necessary runs with two overs remaining.  We are well beaten by seven wickets.  I wish I could find something interesting or humorous to say about the game, but I can’t, a dull game in which the only real winner was the wicket which stopped any fluent strokeplay.   Even Roary losing his temper and stomping around the outfield after his bowling display didn’t seem funny tonight.

Result:  Lost

Pitch Marking:            1 out of 10 - This really must have been one of the worst pitches I have ever played on.  The famous Edgbaston two-tone pitch where the Windies routed England in 1995 had nothing on this wicket. One end was a muddy mess while the other end was dry as a bone.  I certainly blame the wicket for my dismissal.

Saturday 27th June

Stuffed Plaice (home)

The month of June finishes as it started - raining.  The weather has been quite unbelievable.  The game was called off on the Saturday morning after torrential rain in the early hours of the day.  The ground was drenched and I don’t think anybody fancied sliding about in muddy conditions up at Chip Goat. 

Result:  Draw

In the month of June we completed just one league match.  A glance at the league table at the end of June shows there has been so little cricket that there has been very few changes to the table.  Windy Sigton still hold their advantage over Geek Boffton.  We are just below the mid-point and with a good run we could still make into the top six.  We have made progress in the Dormouse and the Cheatington Cups so cup glory could still be just around the corner.  Please can we have some sun.