CHAPTER 5 - DEATH OR GLORY (AUGUST)

Saturday 1st August

Millby (away)

Millby are a team set apart from most other teams in the Langton league.  They don’t contain the usual collection of ‘rural’ campaigners and village characters.  Being on the edge of the Teesside conurbation, their team is comprised almost entirely of professional types.  Farmers are few and far between.  Along with Stuffed Plaice which has even more of an urban location, many of the traditional village players fear treading on ‘townie’ territory.  Brian has a complete loathing of urban locations and usually needs his passport stamped before he will risk playing at either Millby or Stuffed Plaice.  It is hardly surprising that Brian declines to play and with others such as Dave and Max taking holidays, selection problems are looming larger than ever. 

Since the close season major ground improvements have taken place at Millby and courtesy of a lottery grant and a lot of hard work their ground would now rival many club grounds.  Our ground with it’s ramshackle pavilion that could blow away in a gale, live-in rodents and squeaky floorboards looks pretty pathetic by comparison.  With another weakened team, our chances of victory look remote, but with former Millby players, Mark and Roary keen to impress we hopefully will at least give them a competitive game.  One or two arguments and confrontations are guaranteed.

We arrive at Millby with eleven players, but the side must have been the oldest ever put out by Chip Goat.  Kevin’s Dad ‘Ray’ comes out of retirement at 63 to play and Ken our usual umpire agrees to make another post retirement appearance (minus the brown trousers he played in the previous year when he was last dragged kicking and screaming out of retirement).

August has arrived but the weather remains the same.  Another dreary day and a wet wicket to contend with.  I win the toss and decide to bat first.  Richard soon perishes to the new ball.  I promote Fiery to number 3 and he responds with some effective blows which upset the Millby bowlers.  After a brief exchange of expletives we get on with the game and Fiery is soon out for a useful 23.

Mark then arrives at the crease and I think if he had been anymore laid back he would have been sitting in a deckchair.  He plays a couple of flamboyant drives before departing bowled with his head up in the air.  Millby fielders chuckle as their former team-mate is out for only 5.  Enter Roary and after playing and missing at a few deliveries he appears to edge one to the wicket-keeper.  Amazingly he is given not out and the Millby players take it badly.  They undertake sledging the Australians would have been proud of.  Unpleasant comments are thrown about and the atmosphere becomes very black and unfriendly.

My dark mood continues as Roger (in a stint as umpire) decides to give me out LBW for 19 to a ball that was clearly going down the legside.  I suspect Roger was doing his best to even matters up, however, I wasn’t to happy to be made the victim.  This was at least the first time Roger had given me out LBW this season (it probably wouldn’t be the last).  No third eye is needed for Roger - just a pair of jam jar glasses.  Why must he continually give team-mates out LBW?

Much to the disgust of the Millby players, Roary bats well to make 26.  He is well supported by Dave with 16 and by Mark’s lesser known brother ‘Chris’ who also makes a useful 16.  We finish on 143-8 after our allotted ration of overs.

After one of the most pretentious but fantastic cricket teas I have ever eaten (yes they really did serve pieces of melon and cherry tomatoes), Millby start their reply.  Cometh the moment, enter a 63 year old as Ray takes a fantastically well judged catch to dismiss one of the Millby openers.  Mr Haircut the other Millby opener is the rock on which most of their good scores are based.  He has a sound batting technique and will certainly take some prising out. 

Roary and Fiery are bowling well but after three early wickets, Millby start to make reasonable progress towards our score.  I bring on Roger and it does the trick (or so I think) as Roger induces an edge from Mr Haircut and I pouch it safely.  He refuses to walk and is given not out by the umpire.  The sportsmanship worsens a couple of overs later as the other batsman fails to walk for an edge.  Amazingly the umpire deems that not out as well.  Just as I feel we are destined to lose, Roger bowls Mr Haircut.  I bring Roary back on and along with Fiery they rip through the Millby middle order and tail.  Millby are all out for 108 and Roary and Fiery finish with four wickets apiece.  A stunning victory.

Just as we were all set to depart to the nearest hostelry to celebrate, Millby unveil their secret facility.  They have a lock-up at the back of the pavilion from where they serve you alcoholic beverages.  You submit your order and stump up your cash and magically your pint appears.  Arthur Daley would have been proud of this entrepreneurial venture.  I got the impression that perhaps these premises weren’t legitimately licensed.  The Langton league’s first illegal drinking establishment!  The Millby players were sulking big-time about their defeat.  It’s not often the Goat have triumphed over the mighty Millby.

Result:  Won

Pitch Marking:            6 out of 10 - A pitch hardly matching the other improvements made at the ground.

Tea Marking:            10 out of 10 - No complaints here.

Tuesday 4th August

Goofy Egton (away) Dormouse Cup (semi-final)  

Having progressed serenely into the semi-final of the Dormouse Cup, our efforts in the competition reached stale-mate in July due to bad weather, the resignation of the competition secretary and the fact that the hosts (Stockley) showed a complete indifference to staging the next match.  After numerous futile attempts to stage the game, which included Stockley cancelling one date as it clashed with a Stockley under 5 friendly fixture (only joking), it was agreed with some reluctance to stage the match at Goofy Egton’s ground.  Goofy Egton are a bigger club side and it was certainly a case of the big club side calling the shots over the little village side (boo hoo). 

The game, however, had to played, as soon we would be playing in the dark as the nights are drawing in rapidly.  After wangling home advantage Goofy Egton must now start as clear favourites.  It was suggested we should toss a coin for home advantage, although with a wary eye on the home pitches we have prepared this season and on the basis of our home performances I have grave doubts whether this would have given us any advantage.

On arriving at the ground I notice Goofy Egton are fielding a fairly typical second eleven club side comprising of old stagers and plenty of youngsters.  I don’t really know what to expect so on winning the toss I stick with my reasonably successful cup strategy of batting first.  Richard and myself soon depart for 10 and 9 respectively.  Mark joins Fiery and they both bat very well, particularly against a crafty old pro off spinner who is turning the ball appreciably.  After some lusty blows Fiery departs for 32.  Mark continues to hold things together before he is out stumped for 25.  Cue the Chip Goat collapse which duly follows as we close on 104-7.  A fairly average score in 22 overs.  We will now need to bowl really well.

Goofy Egton open with an experienced old stager and a pubescent young hopeful.  Roary and Fiery bowl magnificently as the runs dry up and the wickets start to fall.  Roary tires so I bring on Max who cleans up the middle order and tail to finish with 4-8.  Goofy Egton close on  62-9 which makes for an easy victory for the Goat. 

The pubescent young star remains unbeaten at the end but he had hardly been able to get the ball off the square despite batting very bravely and despite spitting every third ball he faced.  It really had been quite disturbing listening to his high pitched wails of ‘yes’, ‘no’ and ‘wait’ and I sincerely hoped that if I had to ‘keep’ wicket behind him again, his ‘equipment’ would have fallen into place first.  We reach another final, although the victory was so easy, our celebrations are slightly muted.

Goofy Egton are generous in defeat and invite the Chip Goat team to join them in their clubhouse for a drink.  I say clubhouse, although I perhaps should describe it as an unventilated, dark and depressing torture chamber with an atmosphere similar to a workingman’s club from the 1960s.  There are no windows and with a higher than average proportion of smokers in attendance, I think I most have ‘passively’ smoked an entire packet of cigarettes before I was able to escape.  I sometimes wonder whether we are the most unhealthiest cricket team in existence. 

Result: Won

Pitch Marking:            7 out of 10 - An adequate pitch and certainly a better wicket than we might have ended up with at the Goat.

Wednesday 5th August

Thumbleton (away) Steal Cup (round 1)

It is with some weariness that we approach the last new cup competition of the season.  We seem to have been trying to stage this fixture for weeks now and apathy sets in as we scratch around for a side.  It is our first visit of the season to Thumbleton and at least it is decent weather for a change. 

Thumbleton’s ground is very attractive, set in parkland and with the boundary surrounded by animals of varying species.  Some rather vicious looking highland cattle seemed to take a fancy to Chris and coming from the town he was a bit unsure as to how to repay the compliment to them.  It made me glad that as wicket-keeper I never had to retrieve a well struck six from their grazing area.  The cricket ground has a tree situated in the corner of the field, a bit like the famous lime tree at Canterbury and despite being yards in from the boundary edge, any shot against the tree brings 4 runs. 

The major problem with Thumbleton’s ground is its wooden shack purporting to be a cricket pavilion and its toilet which could certainly be classified as an environmental hazard.  A strong wind would surely bring a merciful end to this monstrosity of a building.

On batting first Chip Goat make a useful start.  I hit three boundaries in double quick time but before team-mates get too excited I am given out LBW for 13.  Richard follows for 12 and cue the famous Chip Goat crumble. Chris plays his best innings yet for Chip Goat and finishes unbeaten on 30, although apart from that there is little to shout about as we close on 85-7 after our 20 overs.

Thumbleton make light work of our total as one of the Thumbleton openers crashes the ball around in majestic style.  I run the other opener out with a direct hit as he seems determined to try and even things up by taking ridiculous singles.  Apart from that wicket there is no more success for Chip Goat as Thumbleton charge to victory in thirteen overs to win by nine wickets.  Our consolation is that hopefully we will now avoid a fixture pile-up as we approach the end of the season.

Result: Lost

Pitch Marking:            6 out of 10 - A typical Thumbleton green wicket and not really to blame for our poor batting display tonight.

Saturday 8th August

Thumbleton (away)

As we return yet again to Thumbleton on the Saturday to play our league fixture, we note the pavilion is still standing, although the toilet is still definitely a no-go area.

Our side is way below strength and ‘youth’ and one of my unsuspecting visiting friends ‘Jon’ is drafted in to make up the eleven.  Thumbleton bat first and they get off to a good start.  Roary takes a couple of wickets, although it is only when I bring on Fiery to replace Max that the flow of runs is stemmed.  My visiting friend foolishly drops one of Thumbleton’s best batsman off Fiery and his temper reaches boiling point as more snicks and hits fail to go to hand.  Fiery keeps going and suddenly his luck turns as the wickets start to tumble.  We bowl Thumbleton out for 132 in 35 overs with Fiery finishing with a deserved 6-46.

Our reply gets off to the worst possible start as brotherly love is stretched to breaking point as I run Richard out with only a few runs on the scoreboard.  As Richard leaves the wicket his bat is launched at the pavilion door and I then hear various bangs and crashes as cricket gear is rearranged strategically around the visitors changing room.  I suspect I should avoid getting out for a while as I think the temperature has now reached boiling point in the pavilion. 

At this point I am joined by Chris who plays some excellent shots.  I am not sure whether Chris suddenly becomes  distracted by the highland cattle, but out of the blue he completely misjudges the length of a delivery and is bowled for 23.  Roary then joins me in a useful partnership that almost takes us to the brink of victory.  With some good running between the wickets and some lusty blows we edge towards our target.  I play a nice clip of my legs and just as I am returning for the second run I hear an almighty crash  and shouting from the boundary edge.  Youth was balancing precariously on a bench and had toppled forwards into the scorers table knocking the scribes flying.  I don’t know whether youth had become so bored by my batting and had lost the will to live or alternatively he could have just forgotten where he was and thought it was time to entertain his school friends with a juvenile prank.  The result was two rather upset scorers. 

Back to the cricket, with the hard work done Roary is bowled for 31. I need not fear as Fiery hits a quick-fire 15 as we win by seven wickets with overs to spare.  I remain unbeaten on 57.   We retire to the pub on a lovely, balmy summer evening to bask in the glory of another league victory.  Everybody is happy, well everybody apart from Richard who was still disgruntled about his run out.  Tomorrow could be a different story as we have the return fixture against Geek Boffton.

Result:  Won

Pitch Marking:            6 out of 10 - A pitch to keep the bowlers interested, although if you dug in, there were runs to be scored.

Tea Marking:            2 out of 10 - A truly dreadful effort.  Some of the worst sandwiches I have ever seen.   I am amazed nobody was sick.

Sunday 9th August

Geek Boffton (home)

If I thought our resources were depleted on Saturday, things certainly got a load worse by the game on Sunday.  With only six regular cricketers available we are forced to drag anybody and everybody into the side to play.  Kevin’s dad is wheeled out,  my visiting friend Jon gets a taste of the home medicine and we are forced to turn to the inexperienced youth again.  Roary contributes to the cause by bringing along one of his ‘friends’ who looks like he has been dragged from off the streets.  Needless to say there was no sign of any cricket whites.  Richard is forced to play ‘moaning and groaning’ as he is recovering from a bout of food poisoning.  Geek Boffton are one of the best teams in the league and there surely can only be one result for this fixture. 

On arriving at the ground, we try to delay the start of the game in the hope that we might be able to raise some more cricketers.  I delay the toss of the coin by pretending that we have lost the cricket stumps, then the umpires coats have been mysteriously mislead.  I am desperate to buy a little more time.  I see the Geek Boffton skipper prowling up and down outside the pavilion.  He is starting to get a bit cross.  At this point I realise I will have to get on with game.  Richard is laying prostrate across one of the benches in the pavilion and announces that he is about to deposit his breakfast in the bucket housing the sawdust.  Fortunately he manages to make it outside.

As I join the Geek Boffton skipper strolling out to the wicket, he politely enquires whether we have eleven players.  I reply that we never have eleven cricketers but we might get eleven bodies on the field eventually.  On winning the toss I elect to bat, as this way, our torment I feel will at least be over quickly and hopefully it will allow time for our last two players to arrive.  An early visit to the Bog Inn seems likely as Roary, myself and Dave depart in double quick time.  We have nobody available to umpire and in real comical fashion Dave is forced to umpire whilst padded up to bat up at number three.  On his dismissal Roary returns not to the pavilion but to square leg to carry on umpiring.  Now there’s one Gerald Thomas missed.  It really must have looked like some west end farce rather than a village cricket match.  All we needed now was for the Chip Goat parish vicar to turn up without his trousers.

In between trips to the toilet Richard bats well for 17, while Kevin tries hard to keep him company in an elevated batting position of seven.  Roger slogs a quick 19 but the end is near as a procession of wickets draws the innings to a close on 82.  Youth would have been out LBW twice off consecutive balls, however, in a show of mercy or perhaps and more likely a show of arrogance, the Geek Boffton skipper bowling at the time decides not to appeal.  It’s enough to make you scream.  The score would have been much worse but for the incompetence of the Geek Boffton wicket-keeper who decides to present us with 19 byes.

At the tea interval we realise we have little chance but we are determined to make it hard for them.  My first major problem in setting the fielding positions, is deciding where to hide the lame dogs and incompetent fielders.  This is tricky as there are not enough competent fielders to go round.  There are five fielders competing for the privilege to field at third man.  The situation is complicated by Roger who always likes to field in front of the pavilion in case he gets caught short as they say.

Roary and Max bowl with real spirit and considering the resources we have available, we field really well.  In the end we just don’t have enough runs, although we take six wickets as we make them scrap for every run.  I hate losing to Geek Boffton as they are such an arrogant team but at least we give them a fright.  We even managed to stretch out the game until Sunday evening opening time at the Bog Inn.  It would certainly not have been the first time Chip Goat cricketers have been seen banging on a closed door pleading with a local landlord to show some mercy.

Result:  Lost

Pitch Marking:            5 out of 10 - For the first time this season the home pitch looked drier and flatter.  This lulled us into a false sense of security.  The ball started going through the pitch and batting became as tortuous as usual at home.

Tea Marking:            8 out of 10 - Dave performs better in the Kitchen than he does on the pitch as he serves up excellent grub.  The pickled eggs were a curious but popular addition to this feast.  Team-mates later regret their consumption as we all suffer from the noxious smells pervading the pavilion.

Saturday 16th August

Hawthorne (away)

The game against Hawthorne will be etched on my memory for a long time to come.  As we nervously await to start, once again we have only six regular cricketers available plus senior citizen ‘Ray’ and youth.  Mark and Budgie are due to arrive late and nobody knew where Roger was, although even Roger doesn’t know where he is most of the time so his absence was no great surprise.  I  lose the toss and on a hot, dry day and with a beautiful batting wicket at their disposal, Hawthorne decide they will inflict maximum torture on us by batting first.

I open the bowling with Max and Berkeley and in fairness they both bowl quite well, however, Hawthorne simply toy with us, running the ball around the field exposing our massive gaps.  The field at Hawthorne is big for a village ground and it was real finger in the dike stuff as I move a fielder to plug a gap another hole appears through which more runs are scored.  Hawthorne soar past the fifty mark in ten overs as Mark and Budgie then see fit to turn up.  We give up on Roger!  Mark has been out on some work related drinking binge the previous evening so is completely ill prepared for what is ahead.  As I seek advice and inspiration, Mark simply complains that he has a headache and could he field at long leg.

Just as we were starting to give up I catch one of the openers behind off Max.  He refuses to walk but fortunately the umpire soon sends him on his way.  As he trudges off I sense his disappointment at not being able to ‘fill his boots’ with runs against meagre opposition.  After that it is despair all the way as I am forced to try every available bowler as the ball disappears to all parts of the ground.  Eventually Frank runs the other opener out for 71 as he loses concentration as scoring becomes so easy.  In all fairness his dismissal should probably have been recorded in the scorebook as ‘boredom before wicket’.

With the damage already done we take some wickets in the last ten overs of their innings.  Mark takes two bizarre catches, a juggling effort and a ridiculous one handed effort that was badly judged and then spectacularly taken in one hand as he tries to protect his injured pinkie little finger on his left hand.  Necessity forces me to give Kevin his first extended bowl of the season.  He takes two wickets but his overs contain his usual mix of ‘cafeteria’ bowling, good deliveries and balls hurled down the legside to bruise my legs as wicket-keeper.  It is with complete relief that the innings closes and we can crawl off the pitch into the pavilion.  A completely humiliating experience as Hawthorne make 219-7 in their forty overs.  The biggest total we have conceded in the entire season so far. Max was the pick of the bowlers (not difficult) with 4-57, while Dave got the booby prize of conceding 13 runs in one truly appalling over.  Even Dave failed to see the funny side of that over.

We set off in reply with absolutely no hope of victory.  Mark and myself go about the task quite effectively and at the half-way stage with are 68 without loss.  We are, however, well behind the required run rate and soon I perish for 24 trying an overambitious shot.  Mark follows for 41 and the writing is soon on the wall, i.e,’you are crap’.  Dave makes 24 but the wickets are tumbling fast now and by the time ‘youth’ is last ‘man’ out for another duck we have folded to 120-9.  A disastrous day for Chip Goat in one of the most one-sided cricket matches I have ever played in.

Result: Lost

Pitch Marking:            9 out of 10 - A good wicket.  Just what you need when you lose the toss against one of the best batting sides in the league and have only eight team-mates at your disposal.

Tea Marking:            6 out of 10 - A fairly average effort I recall.  Not that I had much appetite for tea after what had just gone before it in the field!

Sunday 17th August

Kilmore (away) Idiotson cup (semi-final)

The semi-finals of the six a side competition come around with Chip Goat’s resources severely stretched.  I miss only my second game of the season as I am working and we are also missing good players such as Fiery, Richard and Brian (although Brian has not now played for weeks). 

Mark takes over as captain for the game and as usual we manage to play poorly against Kilmore.  In their allotted eight overs, Kilmore make 106 without loss.  Against such a daunting total we only make 60.  A crushing defeat to a team we just can’t beat!  Another cup down and now only the Dormouse Cup to go.  Can we win some silverware or will Chip Goat’s season once again end in glorious failure?

Result:  Lost

Saturday 22nd August

Swearby (away)

If the previous league game against Hawthorne was etched in my memory for all the wrong reasons, the game against Swearby will be remembered for all the right reasons.  Incredibly after the fiasco of the previous week, we have thirteen genuine cricketers to choose from for this game.  With a strong side it was our turn to play school bully on a weakened team and wasn’t I glad that team was Swearby.  Never one of my favourite teams, Chip Goat have usually managed to underperform against Swearby including an inept display in the earlier home game.  Swearby really were fielding a weak team with a couple of cricketers who looked liked they had never played cricket before.  They were of course inappropriately dressed.  One was wearing a track-suit, an obvious sign of cricketing incompetence.

On winning the toss, I decide to bat and although Richard is out early on as he decides to walk all over his wicket playing a pull shot, Mark and myself then put together a morale boosting partnership.  Mark is playing some nice shots while I knock the ones and twos about.  We put on 97 in good time before Mark is out for 61.  Chris soon follows and then just when I am establishing a reasonable partnership with Roary, disaster strikes as Roary is run out.  After my mix up with Richard a few weeks before it would seem I am getting a bit of a reputation for this sort of thing.  It appears the ‘Roger Run Out’ memorial shield could be winging its way to my mantelpiece at this year’s presentation evening.

Disheartened by my cock-up I soon depart for 47.  We labour for runs in the last few overs and we finish on 166-7, which is certainly 25-30 runs less than it should have been.

Swearby start their reply and batting soon looks a different game as Roary and Fiery rip into their batting order.  Wickets fall at an alarming rate as we take total command.  In the end the pair take five wickets apiece as we dismiss Swearby for a pathetic 29 all out.  I was overjoyed that the ‘wedded bliss agency’ failed to open his matrimonial account as he edges a good delivery from Roary safely into my gloves. 29 was the lowest score so far in any match in the Langton league this season.  Swearby’s cricketing casuals are both dismissed first ball as Fiery works up a real head of steam and a thirst for a beer.  The Swearby captain is gobsmacked and is forced to compose himself before he congratulates the Chip Goat team.  Well he kicked the stumps over first before managing a grudging ‘well done’ through gritted teeth.  I know how he felt having suffered complete embarrassment the previous week at Hawthorne.  We sit and snigger in the pavilion as we reflect on the biggest trouncing we have given an opposition side all season.  The beer tasted good that night.

Result:  Won

Pitch Marking:            8 out of 10 -  A good cricket wicket.  No excuses for Swearby’s woeful batting display.

Tea Marking:            6 out of 10. 

Saturday 29th August

Hidden Rugby (home)

After the previous week’s glory at Swearby we are soon dragged back to reality as we face familiar selection problems trying to get eleven bodies on a cricket field.  The attraction of the new soccer season reaps havoc on the Chip Goat side as we most definitely have a scratch side out to face Hidden Rugby.  It is quite ironic really as the following day we play the Dormouse Cup final and I don’t appear to be short of players for that game! 

Our ‘groundsman’ has prepared another classic pitch for cricket.  It is wet, green, uneven and crucially it is right at the edge of the square with a ridge running right down the wicket.  On inspection I feel I would just like to bowl twice and not bother with batting on this pitch.  On the grounds it will probably look like a ploughed field by the second innings I reluctantly decide to bat first.  My worst fears are soon proven as some balls are unplayable and survival proves the name of the game.  The pitch is quite unbelievable, it makes the ordinary bowler look like a world beater. 

Richard plays a few good shots before he is caught for 21 off a brute of a delivery that bounces viciously.  Mark comes in and realises it has to be a shot a ball as proper cricket shots are out.  After nearly eighteen overs of struggle I am out for 10.  I retreat to the pavilion grateful my ordeal was over and nursing various bruises all over my anatomy.  Mark continues to blaze away including one fantastic six over the roof of the pavilion.  On this wicket it is too good to last and Mark soon falls for an excellent 32 made in double quick time.  After Mark’s dismissal Chip Goat collapse like the proverbial pack of cards and apart from a gallant 13 not out by Kevin we lose our last wicket at 97 with plenty of overs still left.  I should add that Hidden Rugby only had to take nine wickets as for the first time in the season we could only muster ten men (well nine men and Roger).

My bowling resources are seriously depleted.  Fiery is away watching premiership football at Middlesbrough whilst Roary is ‘working’ at the football prancing around in a giant cuddly lion outfit as team mascot and looking like some distant relative of the tellytubbies.  In the absence of my main strike bowlers I open with Max and Roger.  They both bowl well as they should on this minefield of a wicket.  Roger takes an early victim, however, it is only when I bring on Berkeley to bowl some flighty off spin that the wickets start to tumble. 

Max manages to look like a demon fast bowler on this wicket and succeeds in getting a short ball to bounce sharply as a young Hidden Rugby batsman pulls the ball straight into his face.  Rolling around on the wicket he spits out blood and teeth and announces that he is fit to continue.  A sympathetic team-mate brings out a helmet for the unfortunate lad.  A bit too late to save his good looks.  Following this incident we really take command.  Berkeley and Max take four wickets apiece as Hidden Rugby subside to 70-9. 

We start to relax thinking the game is won, only from Hidden Rugby to stage a dramatic last wicket partnership.  With one or two sound blows and some lucky snicks, Hidden Rugby edge ever closer to their target.  We approach the last over with Hidden Rugby needing two runs to win.  I have brought Roger back on to bowl the crucial last over.  A desperate move, but I feel it might just work.  On the third ball of the last over, the young number eleven lunges forward and gloves a soft catch to a gleeful George at short cover.  We win by one run which is a tremendous boost on the eve of our important cup final.

Result:  Won

Pitch Marking:            0 out of 10 - This definitely was the worst cricket wicket I have ever played on.  It should have been reported to Lords.  I was very glad I was wearing my cricket helmet whilst batting.  A suit of armour might also have been appropriate.  An absolute disgrace.

Tea Marking:             8 out of 10 - Berkeley takes our minds off the wicket with a superb tea. 

Sunday 30th August

West Parsley (away) Dormouse Cup Final

Team selection for this final has proved a nightmare.  For the most important game for Chip Goat for a long, long time, everybody wants to play.  No excuses now about work commitments, lunch with some distant relative or polishing the cat. The selection committee has to work long and hard over the final selection.  In the end we decide to make loyal clubman and hero Roger twelfth man.  A very difficult decision to make. 

Once we are agreed on the side, we discuss team tactics.  I am adamant we should try and bat first.  Mark doesn’t agree and he has doubts about me opening the batting.  I have certainly struggled over the last few games and he is understandably anxious that we post a decent score.  Eventually I decide that we should stick with our conventional batting order but we should be very positive from the start, both in terms of shots and the running between the wickets.  If I get it wrong I am likely to face some pretty fierce criticism.  The one thing that has become obvious to me over the season is that you can’t captain by committee.  You can listen to other views from team-mates - some sensible, some motivated by self-interest and some simply idiotic.  In the end you may as well make your own decisions as when it all goes pear-shaped, the only person to blame is the captain.

The final is played at nearby Stockley and for a change we have a nice wicket to bat on and the sun is shining.  I arrive early at the ground and find Dave is already there in attendance.  He is boasting to his brother who is the captain of West Parsley that Chip Goat are going to give them a fearful stuffing.  He has more confidence than I have in the team, although he reassures that only a pint of beer rests on the outcome of the game.  I had visions of the two of them never speaking to each other again.

There then follows the customary inspection of the wicket during which I prod the pitch, scratch my chin and generally try to look professional.  It’s all rather academic as I have already made my mind up about my game plan.  The gods must be on my side as I win the toss and get my wish to bat first.  From the start, Richard and myself bat very positively.  We seem to catch West Parsley cold as we take some audacious quick singles.  I even hit the opening bowler back over his head for four in his first over.  Team-mates stare in disbelief. 

West Parsley are forced to post some deep fielders and Richard is unlucky to be caught on the boundary going for a big six.  Enter Mark and straight away we continue with the quick singles.  It is making a fantastic difference to the scoring rate as we also manage to hit some boundaries as well.  There are very few non scoring deliveries as we run West Parsley ragged.  Mark’s lifestyle excesses are catching up with him, but a glass of water and a spell in the oxygen tent soon revive him and once again we take the attack to West Parsley.

After a partnership of 97 with Mark, I am eventually caught behind for 33 (21 of which came in singles).  We also seemed to run endless leg-byes.  Mark tries to raise his game further and after a few more fantastic shots he is out for a well made 56.  He drags himself of the pitch and joins me in a collapsed heap in the pavilion.  Fiery executes a few lusty blows as the emphasis now moves from quick singles to big shots.  Fiery makes 15 before he is caught on the boundary.  He is very unlucky as it would have been a big six on a smaller village ground. Roary minus the pantomime costume and Chris bat well at the end of the innings as we close on 157-4 after 25 overs.  The wicket has played well but I still think 157 will be a very challenging target.  Dave is happy but a little disappointed he didn’t get a chance to bat and embarrass his harassed brother.

I entrust the bowling duties to Fiery and Roary and they don’t let me down.  Early on Roary induces an edge from one of the openers who stands his ground and the umpire deems him not out.  After a brief altercation with authority I persuade Roary to carry on.  West Parsley bat well without losing any wickets but as overs pass by, they are starting to fall behind the required run rate.  They reach 70 without loss and then Mark runs out one of the openers with a direct hit.  A fantastic piece of fielding Jonty Rhodes would have been proud off.  This is the break we were looking for.

After that we turn the screw, Kevin, ‘pensioner’ Mike and myself take good catches as West Parsley finish on 135-6 after their 25 overs.  With whoops of delight we run off the pitch to celebrate Chip Goat’s first success in a cup competition for over ten years.  The club last won the Dormouse Cup in 1930, although both Mike and Fiery denied they were part of that victorious team back then.

I manage to fluff my moment of glory by dropping the cup during the presentation ceremony as I discover to my horror that the cup now exists in two detachable parts.  The cup was duly presented to me by the competition sponsor, the proprietor of a local travel agents.  I wondered whether next year the cup might be more suitably sponsored by a glue manufacturer.  I shouldn’t mock as it is a magnificent old cup full of cricket memories.  My lack of optimism in the team has meant I have not had the foresight to prepare a victory speech.  I try to come to terms with my nerves giving a speech full of the usual clichés before making my excuses to take part in some major celebrating.

Even the Chip Goat Chairman was happy for a change, although he still refuses to accept that we are a better team than the Goat team in his day.

Why must retired players always make that comment?  The length and breadth of the country must have endless Cricket Club officials, who have long since been put out to pasture but who always insist they could play the noble game so much better than their modern day counterparts. 

We troop into the Stockley clubhouse and our hosts for the final agree to fill the cup up for victory toasting.  As the cup is passed round I soon realise their generosity has been seriously misplaced.  A combination of bitter,  lager, cider, vodka, rum, gin, whiskey and orange juice add up to a drink of vile proportions.  Everybody is politely passing up the opportunity for a slurp as the drink is passed on like the proverbial hot potato.  In the end we decide to empty it down the drain and fill it up again with lager.

The mighty Chip Goat return to the Bog Inn with the cup and landlord ‘Budgie’ treats everybody to a pint.  I treat everybody to a pint and soon the whole pub is toasting the Goat’s magnificent achievement.  As more and more alcohol is consumed, the behaviour gets more ridiculous.  Roary decides to spend the evening with the cup on his head chanting football songs only slightly adapted to reflect Chip Goat’s cricketing triumph.  This did become rather boring but we all tolerated it as after all its not everyday that you win a cup.

The ginger magician decides to perform the ultimate trick by collapsing unconscious on top of the pool table.  Budgie abdicates his position behind the bar as everybody helps themselves to free drinks.  That should complicate Budgie’s accounts at the end of the month.  Eventually we wind our way home at the end of my most enjoyable day as cricket captain.  I knew I should enjoy it as it could be a long time before I had another cup victory to celebrate.  This is Chip Goat after all and underachievement is our middle name.

Result: Won

Pitch Marking:            9 out of 10 - a superb wicket for a final.

Monday 31st August

West Parsley (away)

It is with tender heads and delicate stomachs we awake next morning with the realisation that we have to play West Parsley again in a league match.  As the team assembles I soon realise that very few of the Chip Goat cricketers are in a fit state to play.  West Parsley offer up repeated jibes about hangovers and trips to the toilet and I think to myself West Parsley are about to exact some serious revenge on us.

On the grounds that I definitely couldn’t get eleven cricketers to stand up in the field at the present time I decide to bat first on winning the toss.  I am starting to recover a bit now, although Richard is still looking like one of the living dead (no change there one might think).  My sadistic streak make him pad up to open the batting with me.  Despite seeing two cricket balls leaving the bowlers hand at the point of delivery, I manage to survive the first few early overs.  Incredibly we get off to a reasonable start before Richard is stumped for 15, displaying the reactions of a sloth following a night out with Mark.  I soon follow for 14 as I get bogged down (what’s new?) and am given out LBW aiming an uncharacteristic slog over midwicket.

Mark then gets his first duck of the season as he is ‘slipped a  good length’ by the pacy West Parsley opening bowler.  He is bowling exceptionally well, getting swing and movement and Chip Goat soon collapse to a miserable 76 all out.  Chris makes 16 but apart from that, nobody else makes double figures as the scorecard makes horrible reading.

At the tea interval we all agree we have made a terrible mess of batting, however, we are still determined to give it a real go in the field.  Roary and Fiery once again bowl like stars.  Roary takes six wickets and Fiery takes another two as we edge towards another sensational victory.  One of the West Parsley openers has dug in well and he is manipulating the strike to inch West Parsley to victory.

With the scores tied we take the ninth wicket.  I bring all the fielders in to create some pressure.  The opener pulls the ball and Mark at midwicket gets his fingertips to it but unfortunately he is just unable to pull off the catch.  We lose by the tightest of margins.  With most of us still suffering from severe alcohol poisoning we decide to give the pub a miss that night.

Result:  Lost

Pitch Marking:            6 out of 10 - It looked a better wicket than it played, however, no excuses for our lowest league score of the season. 

Tea Marking:            7 out of 10 - With tender stomachs team-mates ate their teas very gingerly, however, the teas were well up to standard and I think most of us managed to keep them down.

August has been a fantastic month for Chip Goat.  We have won the Dormouse Cup and we have played in some exciting and closely fought league matches.  Windy Sigton have won the league title well before the last ball is bowled.  A reward for consistency and the fact they exploit home advantage.  Nobody likes playing in the sheep field and as the opposition shiver and shake in the howling gale, Windy Sigton usually take full advantage.  Congratulations to Windy Sigton.