AWARDS

As the medals and trophies are presented for real cricket achievement, I always think would be nice to present some awards for the more quirky, amusing and bizarre moments of the cricket season.  I imagine it would be a bit like the ‘amusing’ bit at the end of the BBC Sports Personality of the year programme.  All the sports from soccer to darts through to ten pin bowling have had their sporting greats honoured and now it is time to chortle as Red Rum jumps around the studio over mock jumps (constructed from Britain’s medal winners from the recent Commonwealth games) or Damon Hill drives his formula 1 car around Desmond Lynam and Frank Bruno blindfolded.  Anyway I am sure you get the general idea.

The Chip Goat Special Awards

The Brown Trousers award

This fine trophy would go to the ‘cricketer’ who makes the finest comeback appearance after retiring.  The award is so named in honour of our resident umpire ‘Bill’ who would have won the award last year.  Upon being dragged from retirement at short notice Ken flayed a bemused Kilmore bowling attack in a pair of casual khaki trousers.  

This year there could be only one winner.  Kevin’s dad Ray is plucked from domestic disharmony on the boundary edge to bolster our flagging playing resources.  He responds with a breathtakingly well judged catch at Millby to set us on our way to a notable victory.

Groundsman of the year

There were no nominations here!

The can’t cook won’t cook award

Max - for refusing to take his turn on the tea rota.

Award for most disgusting cricket tea sandwich

Two nominations here.  A  limp ham and mustard effort in curly bread at Thumbleton and a corned beef sandwich oozing chunder coloured pickle at Stuffed Plaice.  It made me glad to be a vegetarian, although my barometer of taste ‘Graham’ refused to eat either and at a push I think the winner is the Stuffed Plaice sandwich.

Egon Ronay award for the most pretentious and scrummy tea

With pieces of melon on cocktail sticks, cherry tomatoes and crudities of raw vegetables - there can only be one winner.  Restaurant a la Millby takes the cuisine prize.  Shame we beat them.

Butterfingers of the year

Roary for an appalling glitch in his season.  In the second round Dormouse Cup victory at Stockley, Roary managed to drop three sitters in about five overs.  Roary never saw the funny side of this.

Best celebrity lookalike amongst the opposition

The Cheatington wicket keeper as Reg Holdsworth.  Interestingly Stuffed Plaice had another cricketer who looked like Reg Holdsworth.  Was the world of village cricket being taken over by this minor celebrity? 

Excuse of the season

As usual there were a few classic contenders here.  Roary missed two matches to dress up and mince about in a pantomime costume, frightening children as the mascot for Middlesbrough football club.  Caspers’s season was one long excuse, although declining a game of cricket to take his mother in law to Scarborough was about his most pathetic.  Mike continually declined the offer of a game to further his wildlife and countryside interests.  Brian’s excuses came thick and fast, but perhaps his finest reason for not playing was that he had a luncheon engagement with ‘Tory Boy’ William Hague.  That excuse takes some beating unlike William Hague.

Most Miserable Day

Saturday 13th June.  The day it refused to rain until we all arrived at Chip Goat to play West Parsley.  At that point it started to rain, then eased off and started to rain again.  The uncertainty was dreadful and despite the fact that we all knew we weren’t going to play we had to wait and see what the weather was going to do.  Twenty two cricketers plus the domestic extras in a ramshackle cricket pavilion with the rain tipping down outside is not a pleasant experience (nor a pheasant experience).  Kevin started squabbling with Max about whether or indeed weather we should play and everybody else wished they were somewhere else (probably the pub).

Silliest cricketing injury of the season

I know you should never laugh at head injuries, but I am afraid you can do nothing but laugh at poor Berkeley.  The two contenders here are Berkeley at the non-strikers end being sconed by Fiery’s scorching on-drive in the away league game at Kilmore.  This was bettered a couple of weeks later when Berkeley managed to get his head in between the trajectory of a run out throw and the wicket as Kevin and Berkeley scrambled towards an unlikely victory at Ingleton Greenhouse.  Berkeley doesn’t appear to have to do too much drinking to have a sore head following a cricket match.

With few cricketers still able to stand, the clock strikes midnight and the carriage awaits.  Some walk, some crawl, others are carried out to the car park as Kevin threatens to leave without the stragglers.  Eventually everybody is squeezed in and off we go.  Mark announces that he has not consumed enough alcohol yet and decides to open up a bottle of lager that formed a raffle prize he won.  As the singing becomes louder and the conversation more ridiculous, I was quite glad I was the first drop off point.  I wished Kevin luck for the rest of the journey and bade my farewells to team-mates I wouldn’t see for five months.  In some respects I think it is a relief!