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EULOGY FOR ANOTHER SEASON So how did my trusty troops perform over the season? Mark A player almost back to his best form.
He had a great season with the bat, topping the club averages in league
and cup games. If it wasn’t for
Mark I would win all the batting awards!
He plays the game with wit (with a silent ‘sh’ sound no seriously
that’s Frank) and humour and I always enjoy batting with him.
He kept his social excesses to a minimum and on many occasions he
actually arrived at the cricket ground capable of normal conversation.
Once again Mark and myself put together some valuable partnerships, the
most memorable being the 97 we put on in the glorious Dormouse Cup victory.
Despite having vast cricketing knowledge
gleaned from a misspent youth and an extensive cricket video collection, I
struggled to get Mark to contribute sensibly to decision-making.
Sometimes I felt I might as well have asked the cat for advice on whether
I was overbowling Roary or whether the pitch might take spin. I was certainly proved right about Mark’s bowling.
He took only two wickets all season and I am afraid he is now consigned
to the graveyard of joke bowlers only allowed to turn his arm over at the end of
a dead game. Richard Richard lived up to his usual billing.
After a slow start following a pre-season injury, he played some useful
knocks in the middle of the season, only for his form to desert him when it
mattered most. As a result of
injury he contributed little with the ball, although in one bizarre spell of
bowling at Thumbleton he made us all chuckle with an over of beamers and balls
that bounced twice. As Brian Clough
might say ‘mines a double’ no seriously ‘back to the nets young man’. Chris Chris played the first game of the season and then
did not play much until the second half of the season.
At times he batted very well and had a useful first season for the club.
Coming from the town and familiar with urban club grounds he had some
difficulty getting to grips with rural ways.
Nearby farm animals seemed to frighten and confuse him (as did many of
the underprepared wickets). In the
away game at Great Smeghead he managed to keep us all amused by not having the
wit and dexterity to be able to open the farm gate into the cricket ground.
A reliable judge of a tea, we all knew there was something wrong with the
food if Chris declined seconds. Dave There are two words to sum up Dave, ‘enthusiasm’
and ‘nonsense’. He is without
doubt one of the keenest and most optimistic cricketers I have come across.
Every team needs a Dave - it should be compulsory.
No game is ever lost to Dave and there is always a bright side to defeat,
even when you have been beaten by ten wickets and are sitting in the pub at
4-30pm. Coupled with enthusiasm comes the capacity for crazed
thought. Dave will spend hours
coming up with theories on the opposition, fielding positions and bowling
changes and most of it quite simply is utter rubbish or either it is so utterly
brilliant it is just over my head. On
the playing front, Dave batted well at times in the middle order without ever
going on to make a big score. His
ability in clearing up a plate of unwanted sandwiches is becoming legendary. Roary Apart from the odd outburst, the season was hardly a
vintage year on the strop front, however, in playing terms it was one of the
best Roary has ever had. He started
the season lacking fluency and accuracy and finished the season as one of the
best bowlers in the league. He
finished second in the league averages and deserved his success.
He also contributed with the bat with many valuable 20s and 30s.
An outstanding year - my player of the season. I was amazed that Roary failed to have a bust up with
Kevin during the season. I think he
must be getting mellow in his old age. A
first up at the Goat. Frank What can I say about Frank - well the chocolate cake
his wife baked was out of this world. Who
needs Mr Kipling? On the cricketing
front the season was a miserable affair. The soggy wickets didn’t help him but who do they help.
Indeed Frank’s profile of batting
scores looked more like an overseas telephone number.
The suggestion that he should try using a wider cricket bat is both cruel
and unkind but it might be worth a go. Fiery There was some concern about how Fiery would fit into
the Chip Goat side after having already played in the ‘premier league’ with
Geek Boffton. He responded in fine
style. His bowling was a revelation
and along with Roary they formed a formidable opening bowling partnership.
He entertained us with his batting and his constant winding up of the
opposition. The Australians have
nothing on Fiery. I tolerated his views on fielding positions which
seemed to amount to wanting to place a ring of fielders around the boundary edge
while he was bowling. The way he
bowled this was not usually required. He
bowled many overs and picked up his fair share of aches and strains, although I
have never seen a cricketer with so many different bottles and tubes of potions
and creams in his kit bag. He was
like a mobile pharmacy shop. Berkeley With peaked cap and Bristol bat (yes quite), Berkeley
plays cricket as if in a bygone age. A
true sportsman he takes everything in his stride.
No complaints here if he is relegated to number eleven in the batting
order or doesn’t get a bowl. A
captain’s dream player. I am sure
it is his public school pedigree coming to the fore.
No swear words will pass his lips even when clonked on the head by a hard
piece of spherical leather (as it frequently did).
He bowled his off spin well when required and was capable of stout
defence when we needed a rearguard action.
Nobody will forget his unlikely last wicket partnership with Kevin that
took us to victory against Ingleton Greenhouse. Kevin Kevin once again did his bit for the club.
He figured in the aforementioned glorious victory at Ingleton Greenhouse
and generally scored some useful runs when required down the batting order.
His assistance in getting eleven bodies on the cricket field was vital,
particularly when we hit the August blues and excuses for not playing were
coming out thick and fast. He spent much of the season squabbling with Max over
whether home games were on or off (mostly off I might add) and who was going to
be responsible for preparing the home wickets and cutting the outfield.
I felt a bit like piggy in the middle as I was recounted tales of how the
lawn mower had been hidden on the eve of a match and how the roller had been
left immobilised. Whoever was
responsible the end result was we had some pretty diabolical wickets to play on,
that is when we actually played! Roger We persuaded Roger to give it one more season and we
certainly got some interesting performances from him. On the days that Roger was actually with us in body and
spirit rather than stationed on planet Roger, he performed well.
He took some magnificent catches, slogged a few runs in his usual
unattractive style and on one occasion took a five wicket haul whilst bowling.
We were all pleased that Roger participated in the season as without him
cricket would seem very dull and humourless.
I do wish he wouldn’t umpire though, he can’t be serious about taking
umpiring up as a pastime can he? Brian Brian’s contribution was minimal.
Early season he played some games and had one or two good cameo knocks,
although generally he couldn’t seem to recapture his batting form of the
previous year. As we approached
July, the old excuses for not playing came tumbling out and finally a bad back
injury finished his season. Max Max is a regular and loyally turns out for the Goat
most weeks. On the Chip Goat track
of death he always bowls well and also at Cheatington where he put in some
memorable performances in our cup run. His
eccentric batting did not bring many rewards this season, although he was not
the only player with a miserable club batting average. Mike Pensioner Mike played for Chip Goat when it suited
him and certainly not when it suited me. That
said he is still a fine cricketer. In
many of our cup games he bowled
well when required and occasionally made some useful runs. Old sour puss has the
knack of bringing everybody back to earth with a bump with some dry, scathing
comment, however, it was rumoured that he did smile after our Dormouse Cup
triumph. I shall miss him if he has
decided to hang up his smelly boots for the last time, although I am sure his
pheasants will be delighted that he can now spend more time with them. George George played on his usual ‘as and when’ basis
when he was able to sneak away from his work commitments. George’s contribution to the season will remembered for his
outstanding fielding and his liking for washing-up the tea things.
George could always be relied on to put on the marigolds and do the
dishes in times of domestic crisis in the pavilion.
On the cricket front he pulled off some fantastic run outs during the
season and played one marvellous knock with the bat in the Cheatington cup
final. That day he rolled back the
years with some fantastic blows. Without
George that day, defeat would have been even more humiliating. Carter I had high hopes for Carter this season, hopes which
certainly never came to fruition. For
one reason or another he only played one game against Geek Boffton.
I tried repeatedly to get him to play but he was always
working or putting up some shelves or going to Scarborough or taking the
mother-in-law shopping to buy a crocodile or some other ridiculous excuse.
As he did play one game I suspect we had in fact not been sent to
Coventry, probably Nuneaton. Paddy As anticipated Paddy’s role was very much a
watching brief this season. After
surgery to his knee he only managed one game for the Goat at the end of the
season. Pressed into service
because of a shortage of playing resources he was hardly fit to play. He spent
most of the fielding session, hobbling around and moaning about his knee. Indeed his performance was akin to a pair of briefs; pants
one might say. With the mobility of
Ironside the ball seemed to follow him around the field wherever I tried to hide
him. Budgie Budgie played on his usual occasional basis when
required and as always, he turned up late.
Budgie’s biggest contribution to the season was buying the team a round
of drinks after the Dormouse Cup victory. Jon Never come to stay at my house during the cricket
season, not unless you want to be roped into a game of cricket.
Jon made that mistake in August and was suitably punished with two games
of cricket. Plucked from the sedate
world of office and friendly cricket, Jon was thrown into the lion’s den of
hard, competitive village cricket. He
dropped a difficult catch off Fiery (never a good idea) and got a duck in the
game the following day. A baptism
of fire, although I hope he will still visit! Youth During the August player crisis, we were forced to
turn to an twelve year old to help us out.
Youth or ‘Ruth’ as my daughter thought he was called was forced to
stand about in fields in various quaint village locations for forty overs
wondering what this game of village cricket was all about. They say its character building, although I might not sure
what kind of character you might construct having spent the afternoon with Mark
and Roary in particular. |